Currently viewing the tag: "why internet? why?"
I’ll try to keep this short and sweet, because I’m currently riding a DayQuil high that will likely result in some kind of NyQuil-hangover crash/six-hour coma fairly soon.
For the second time this year, I am sick. Which is weird, because I never used to get sick. I’d like to blame the fact that we’ve been traveling too much, but it probably has more to do with the fact that because I don’t have an office to report to every day, my immune system is rarely challenged and has turned into a weak-ass fighter. Do some cardio, immune system!
Regardless of the cause, I’m pretty sure this is what my throat looks like right now:
How did my cold even get a meat cleaver?
At this point, that’s neither here nor there. Let me take you back to a simpler time, when my cold and I were just getting to know each other.
It all started a few days ago, when I noticed a rattling in my chest, which I was obviously very concerned about–it’s been a little more than a month since the Mr’s aunt died rather shortly (six weeks) after discovering that her lungs were filling with fluid.
Desperate to learn the cause of the rattling in my lungs, I turned to the Internet and eventually WebMD–like a FOOL. And for reasons that can only be explained by my feverish delirium, I was genuinely surprised when my willful idiocy (seriously, self, STOP Googling your symptoms) resulted in WebMD handing me another cancer diagnosis.
By now, it’s a well-documented fact that I hate WebMD (I will punch you in the stupid, WebMD), but yesterday, I had a revelation. I believe I’ve finally uncovered the secret algorithm used by WebMD’s symptom checker.
As far as I can tell, it works like this:
I realize that I have compromised everyone’s safety–most of all my own–by revealing the secrets of WebMD’s diagnosis tool. I fully expect the lives of everyone who has read this to turn into some thrilling version of The Bourne Identity, where the creators of WebMD seek to destroy us for what we know. (WebMD is the perfect evil villain.) I’m sorry, in advance, for the time where you break your ankle jumping from roof-to-roof in a crowded city in the hopes of escaping some Christopher-Walken looking government spook.
Oh, hey! It’s those NyQuil hallucinations I was talking about. It’s been really nice knowing y’all.
Procrastination and a complete lack of ambition got the best of me yesterday. I did a lot of things instead of writing an actual post for today. None of them were terribly interesting or productive. Here’s a list of the highlights:
1. Went running
2. Fell asleep in the shower
3. Ate enough mint milano cookies to cancel out my run
4. Drew a picture of a giraffe
You’ve won this round poor work ethic, but I’ll be back.
Before I fell in love with the Internet and got a blog of my very own, my interactions with the web were primarily utilitarian.
In my last life (as a working professional), I only got to hang out with the Internet sparingly and/or in case of emergencies. Like: “Tell me I have cancer, WebMD” or “When do I hyphenate bitch devil, AP Style? (Answer: When it is a compound modifier. Such as, “Get that bitch-devil blender out of here before it eats the rest of the children.”)
These days, my play dates with the Internet are more like an endless slumber party, where I gladly fall down a rabbit hole of weird and wonderful thrice daily. However, back in the day, I didn’t have time to mess around. My visits to the web were quick and to the point.
What I’m trying to say is that: I know what it’s like to need answers from the Internet. Fast. I also know how annoying it can be to Google something and come up short.
So you can imagine my HORROR when a quick check to my analytics revealed that I was standing in the way of people and the information they actually needed.
Since I have the platform (thanks to myself–and may I just say: Good going, self), I’d like to go ahead and extend an apology to the following people…
To the person that Googled “what happens if pregnant woman drink bleach”:
I’m super sorry that I didn’t have any survival tips for you.
I hope that your search was merely speculative and that you are not even pregnant or in possession of bleach. But, in the event that you are pregnant and drinking bleach, please stay calm and call a poison hotline (and stop playing with household toxins, because that shit will kill you.)
Love, The Mrs
To the gentleman (yeah, I’m pretty sure a guy was responsible for this one) that Googled “bowl of cereal alcoholic drink”:
You, sir, are a genius. And I would like to request an invitation to your next party.
Regrettably, I have no recipes to assist you. I do, however, have a tragic cooking story that ends in me binge drinking vodka and eating cereal. I assume that’s how we were accidentally connected.
Oh! Here’s something I just made up: Cheerios, Kahlua, Vodka, milk. You can call it a Mrs White Russian (Now with more Cheerios!)
Sparkles! The Mrs
I wasn’t really sure what to think of this next one, but I do want to say a few things. So, person who Googled this:
I think your friends are probably not trying to kill you.
However, a few self-defense classes never hurt anyone.
Stay safe (and keep passing open windows!), The Mrs
And finally, we’ve come to the most puzzling search yet…
To the person that Googled “puffins” and found me:
I feel like I owe you the biggest apology of all. Because there are no puffins on my website. There never have been.
There are vampire squid…
But no puffins.
Here’s why I feel the worst about this: I imagine some poor, run-down parent, finding out at the eleventh hour that their kid has a project on puffins due tomorrow.
Said parent Googles his little heart out, and stumbles upon my nonsense.
So, tired parent, I have a surprise for you:
IT’S A PUFFIN!
Because drawing a puffin took a lot of time, I didn’t have any time to research many facts on puffins. Instead I made a few up (I’m sorry and you’re welcome):
1. Puffins are mostly nocturnal.
2. Puffins love to eat orange Sour Patch Kids.
3. Despite their obvious differences, puffins and vampire squid are BFFs.
To recap: poor parent and everyone else Google tricked into visiting my site: I couldn’t be more sorry.
Let’s still be friends!
Unicorns and hand grenades!
The Mrs
UPDATE
Earlier today, Little Big expressed her concern over a lost opportunity, regarding Bill Maher (who happens to appear in my analytics thanks, I assume, to the vampire squid post.)
Since she used the magic word: Shenanigans! I decided to update this post to include Bill Maher.
Unfortunately, I don’t really like Bill Maher, so I’ve decided to re-write science a little.
Remember when I said that vampire squid are non-threatening to humans? Turns out that’s true of all humans EXCEPT Bill Maher.
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