Over the weekend, news outlets were reporting that a black bear was captured in some lady’s backyard after several sightings in Virginia Beach, where the bear had apparently wandered around for several days.
To the surprise of Virginia Beach residents, the bear spent nearly a week romping around the area and scaring the shit out of people.
Which leads me to this…
I’m sick of hearing about you roaming around, stealing from hikers and turning up where you’re uninvited. You’re arrogant and entitled, going where you want, doing as you please, taking what you like; but I’m not impressed.
You need to stop acting so smug, bears. You’re homeless.
There. I said it.
Maybe you inspired fear once, but from where I’m sitting, these days, you’re just lazy freeloaders. Everyone is always acting like you should be feared and respected. But you continue to destroy your reputation with this disgraceful behavior, and I can’t respect that.
For fuck’s sake, bears, pull it together. You’re embarrassing yourselves.
What kind of predators are you, anyway? I don’t see sharks rolling up to neighborhood garbage cans for dinner. That’s not intimidating!
And all that time you spend sleeping in the woods…
No one’s afraid of chronic nappers. Where’s your ambition?
What’s next? A hobo camp under a bridge?
Here’s some tough love, bears: It’s time to get your shit together.
You have so much potential, but you’re throwing it all away. You’re supposed to be super-intimidating, master hunters. Not aimless drifters.
The world expects so much more of you, and I think it’s time for you to act accordingly.
I’m not a bear life coach. But I’m not even sure such a thing exists, so I’m going to step in with some advice.
It’s never too late to get your lives back on track. Set some goals, bears. Get a resume together.
I’ll even help get you started.
Objective: To eat and sleep
Special skills: Sharp claws; ability to run fast; deceptively cute and especially deadly
Enemies: Wolves, humans and heat
Hobbies: Fishing and listening to Harry Belafonte (I improvised that last one, but occasionally, employers like to know personal details about you.)
Now, buy yourself a suit. Nothing fancy, just something that says: “Hey, world! I’m on a fucking rampage.”
See how sharp you look?
I hope you’re listening, bears. It’s time to grow up.
Working can be awesome. It gives you a sense of purpose, a place to go when you’re ready to run away from home and the occasional feeling of accomplishment.
But sometimes working is the fucking bane of your existence, and you would rather army crawl over hot coals and broken glass and then take a swim in a vat of acid than drag yourself into the office. These are the days you forget you’re being paid for your labors and you wonder what the hell your boss’s problem is for wanting you to report to work. And when you feel this way, it’s usually because of one of these assholes…
1. “Self-Important Never Shuts Up” Guy
Conversations with Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy seem like a good idea when they start. You want to be friendly, after all. And it would be unkind to ignore Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy as you pass him in the break room. So, you casually say hello…
But it’s not long before you regret your decision to say good morning, because Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy is his own biggest fan. And now you’re trapped listening to an endless monologue about his life, his children, his bunion and his cat, who is currently battling Feline AIDS.
With no reasonable means for escape, you are required to walk away mid-sentence, because you have actual work to do. And while making an excuse for your exit seems like the right thing to do, you’re not opening your goddamn mouth to say anything else. You’ve learned your lesson for now, and you can’t afford the risk of losing the rest of your day’s productivity to this guy.
Houdini is running the most popular disappearing act in the office. She is the co-worker that can never be found. She’s always “in a meeting” or “with a client”, but the longer she stays missing, the more suspicious her disappearances feel.
Houdini’s frequent and long-running absences wouldn’t be so troublesome if she wasn’t always involved in your projects, and whether it’s 3:30 p.m. on Friday or 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Houdini will leave you hanging when it matters most.
3. “You Know What Would Be Great” Guy
You Know What Would Be Great Guy happens to be a master of the impractical, who wanders the workplace with abstract and unattainable ideas that are also weapons of mass destruction. He possesses a near-deadly ratio of authority to pie-in-the-sky dreams, and without warning, You Know What Would Be Great Guy can invent a new project that will derail your entire life.
On any given day, You Know What Would Be Great Guy saunters into a room, strapped with the most intense ammunition known to the working man.
After dropping the “Impossible Idea Bomb” on a room full of minions, You Know What Would Be Great Guy leaves as casually as he arrived–either unaware of or unconcerned with the fall out.
Too often, it takes days–even weeks–to clean up the aftermath.
The Intimidator is typically someone who has more power than you in the workplace. The Intimidator is so frightening and serious about his work that urban legends of his abilities to cause people to spontaneously combust run rampant through the office, and his favorite past time seems to be making you wish you were never born.
You avoid his glances in meetings, park as far away from his car as possible in the morning and–in the unlucky event that you are required to interact with him–you have to give yourself a 25-minute pep talk in the bathroom before embarking on your mission.
And then disengage as quickly as possible.
5. “I Cook Bad Smells” Lady
I Cook Bad Smells Lady is at once the most dangerous and benign villain in the workplace. She is ninja-like in her attacks. In fact, you may never learn her true identity. But you know she exists, because at any given time of the day, I Cook Bad Smells Lady is using the break room microwave to poison your office’s oxygen supply with the noxious smell of burnt popcorn, dried-out fish and other phantom food odors that are too easily sucked into the air conditioning vent and pumped through the entire office.
You are constantly cursing yourself for not bringing a gas mask to work as the first waves of the toxic smell waft through the air. You find yourself praying that the evil stench will render you unconscious, because blacking out at work suddenly feels like the sweetest escape from the scent of pure evil.
People of the workplace, these are our enemies. They are office terrorists, and as far as I can tell, there is no stopping them.
Before I fell in love with the Internet and got a blog of my very own, my interactions with the web were primarily utilitarian.
In my last life (as a working professional), I only got to hang out with the Internet sparingly and/or in case of emergencies. Like: “Tell me I have cancer, WebMD” or “When do I hyphenate bitch devil, AP Style? (Answer: When it is a compound modifier. Such as, “Get that bitch-devil blender out of here before it eats the rest of the children.”)
These days, my play dates with the Internet are more like an endless slumber party, where I gladly fall down a rabbit hole of weird and wonderful thrice daily. However, back in the day, I didn’t have time to mess around. My visits to the web were quick and to the point.
What I’m trying to say is that: I know what it’s like to need answers from the Internet. Fast. I also know how annoying it can be to Google something and come up short.
So you can imagine my HORROR when a quick check to my analytics revealed that I was standing in the way of people and the information they actually needed.
Since I have the platform (thanks to myself–and may I just say: Good going, self), I’d like to go ahead and extend an apology to the following people…
To the person that Googled “what happens if pregnant woman drink bleach”:
I’m super sorry that I didn’t have any survival tips for you.
I hope that your search was merely speculative and that you are not even pregnant or in possession of bleach. But, in the event that you are pregnant and drinking bleach, please stay calm and call a poison hotline (and stop playing with household toxins, because that shit will kill you.)
Love, The Mrs
To the gentleman (yeah, I’m pretty sure a guy was responsible for this one) that Googled “bowl of cereal alcoholic drink”:
You, sir, are a genius. And I would like to request an invitation to your next party.
Regrettably, I have no recipes to assist you. I do, however, have a tragic cooking story that ends in me binge drinking vodka and eating cereal. I assume that’s how we were accidentally connected.
Oh! Here’s something I just made up: Cheerios, Kahlua, Vodka, milk. You can call it a Mrs White Russian (Now with more Cheerios!)
Sparkles! The Mrs
I wasn’t really sure what to think of this next one, but I do want to say a few things. So, person who Googled this:
I think your friends are probably not trying to kill you.
However, a few self-defense classes never hurt anyone.
Stay safe (and keep passing open windows!), The Mrs
And finally, we’ve come to the most puzzling search yet…
To the person that Googled “puffins” and found me:
I feel like I owe you the biggest apology of all. Because there are no puffins on my website. There never have been.
There are vampire squid…
But no puffins.
Here’s why I feel the worst about this: I imagine some poor, run-down parent, finding out at the eleventh hour that their kid has a project on puffins due tomorrow.
Said parent Googles his little heart out, and stumbles upon my nonsense.
So, tired parent, I have a surprise for you:
IT’S A PUFFIN!
Because drawing a puffin took a lot of time, I didn’t have any time to research many facts on puffins. Instead I made a few up (I’m sorry and you’re welcome):
1. Puffins are mostly nocturnal.
2. Puffins love to eat orange Sour Patch Kids.
3. Despite their obvious differences, puffins and vampire squid are BFFs.
To recap: poor parent and everyone else Google tricked into visiting my site: I couldn’t be more sorry.
Let’s still be friends!
Unicorns and hand grenades!
Earlier today, Little Big expressed her concern over a lost opportunity, regarding Bill Maher (who happens to appear in my analytics thanks, I assume, to the vampire squid post.)
Since she used the magic word: Shenanigans! I decided to update this post to include Bill Maher.
Unfortunately, I don’t really like Bill Maher, so I’ve decided to re-write science a little.
Remember when I said that vampire squid are non-threatening to humans? Turns out that’s true of all humans EXCEPT Bill Maher.
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