Working can be awesome. It gives you a sense of purpose, a place to go when you’re ready to run away from home and the occasional feeling of accomplishment.

But sometimes working is the fucking bane of your existence, and you would rather army crawl over hot coals and broken glass and then take a swim in a vat of acid than drag yourself into the office. These are the days you forget you’re being paid for your labors and you wonder what the hell your boss’s problem is for wanting you to report to work. And when you feel this way, it’s usually because of one of these assholes…

1. “Self-Important Never Shuts Up” Guy

Conversations with Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy seem like a good idea when they start. You want to be friendly, after all. And it would be unkind to ignore Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy as you pass him in the break room. So, you casually say hello…

But it’s not long before you regret your decision to say good morning, because Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy is his own biggest fan. And now you’re trapped listening to an endless monologue about his life, his children, his bunion and his cat, who is currently battling Feline AIDS.

With no reasonable means for escape, you are required to walk away mid-sentence, because you have actual work to do. And while making an excuse for your exit seems like the right thing to do, you’re not opening your goddamn mouth to say anything else. You’ve learned your lesson for now, and you can’t afford the risk of losing the rest of your day’s productivity to this guy.

2. “Houdini”

Houdini is running the most popular disappearing act in the office. She is the co-worker that can never be found. She’s always “in a meeting” or “with a client”, but the longer she stays missing, the more suspicious her disappearances feel.

Houdini’s frequent and long-running absences wouldn’t be so troublesome if she wasn’t always involved in your projects, and whether it’s 3:30 p.m. on Friday or 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Houdini will leave you hanging when it matters most.

3. “You Know What Would Be Great” Guy

You Know What Would Be Great Guy happens to be a master of the impractical, who wanders the workplace with abstract and unattainable ideas that are also weapons of mass destruction. He possesses a near-deadly ratio of authority to pie-in-the-sky dreams, and without warning, You Know What Would Be Great Guy can invent a new project that will derail your entire life.

On any given day, You Know What Would Be Great Guy saunters into a room, strapped with the most intense ammunition known to the working man.

After dropping the “Impossible Idea Bomb” on a room full of minions, You Know What Would Be Great Guy leaves as casually as he arrived–either unaware of or unconcerned with the fall out.

Too often, it takes days–even weeks–to clean up the aftermath.

4. “Intimidator”

The Intimidator is typically someone who has more power than you in the workplace. The Intimidator is so frightening and serious about his work that urban legends of his abilities to cause people to spontaneously combust run rampant through the office, and his favorite past time seems to be making you wish you were never born.

You avoid his glances in meetings, park as far away from his car as possible in the morning and–in the unlucky event that you are required to interact with him–you have to give yourself a 25-minute pep talk in the bathroom before embarking on your mission.

And then disengage as quickly as possible.

5. “I Cook Bad Smells” Lady

I Cook Bad Smells Lady is at once the most dangerous and benign villain in the workplace. She is ninja-like in her attacks. In fact, you may never learn her true identity. But you know she exists, because at any given time of the day, I Cook Bad Smells Lady is using the break room microwave to poison your office’s oxygen supply with the noxious smell of burnt popcorn, dried-out fish and other phantom food odors that are too easily sucked into the air conditioning vent and pumped through the entire office.

You are constantly cursing yourself for not bringing a gas mask to work as the first waves of the toxic smell waft through the air. You find yourself praying that the evil stench will render you unconscious, because blacking out at work suddenly feels like the sweetest escape from the scent of pure evil.

 

 

People of the workplace, these are our enemies. They are office terrorists, and as far as I can tell, there is no stopping them.

Tagged with:
 

28 Responses to the five kinds of coworkers I wish would cease to exist

  1. Elly Lou says:

    Holy crap I used to work for “you know what would be great guy.” Even better? He used to be an imagineer at Disney. Do I need to say anything more to convey just how bananas some of those ideas were?

    • the mrs says:

      That sounds like the worst kind of You Know What Would Be Great Guy known to man. The terrible thing about You Know What Would Be Great Guy is that he’s not even necessarily a jerk; sometimes, he’s just a dreamer. The kind of dreamer that murders your weekend plans and makes you question your professional choices.

  2. HateYou says:

    Just when I think you can’t possibly be more hilarious, you go and write a post like this. Damn you, Scuba Steve.

  3. If the vampire squid were a real thing, I’d hire him right now to rip off the arms of 3/4s of my coworkers. I’m currently dealing with all of these types of coworkers EXCEPT bad smells lady. I think that one may be me. I love to cook up a big bowl of hate in the morning.

    • the mrs says:

      The vampire squid IS a real thing; he’s just not really a threat to human arms (with the exception, of course, of Bill Maher.) Congrats on recognizing each of these kinds of coworkers–and also being one.

  4. HeathRobots says:

    You know what would be great…if you could post on your blog every hour so that I can laugh that hard again 24 times a day, every day, and get my abs in shape for bathing suit season. Make it happen!

    • the mrs says:

      This would be great for me, too, because I would be like a one-woman machine of bad drawings and strange thoughts. There has to be a demand for that, right? Maybe then I would finally be beloved by millions. You know who would probably not benefit from my evil genius? The Mr, who has to proofread every post, regardless of the time of day. Sorry, babes!

  5. little big says:

    OH MY GOD it’s like you’ve BEEN to my campus.

  6. anna says:

    this is hilarious. will re-read on days i am feeling sorry for myself that i no longer have a day job.

    also, i note, that is my personal definition of true love that the mr proofreads your posts!

    • the mrs says:

      The Mr is a good man who wears many hats. In addition to proofreader, he’s also the designated clean-up crew for the emotional shrapnel created by the folks mentioned above (the Intimidator in particular).

  7. Alexandra says:

    LOVE the calendar being stuck in 1998. PERFECT little but awesome detail.

    but, where is THE Mean Bitch?

    I work with a mean bitch.

    I need to see this here.

    Cuz I hate working with this ugly old bitch.

    • the mrs says:

      The Mean Bitch is probably a distorted version of the Intimidator. Intimidators are everywhere in the office. You’ll recognize them by their scowls and the odd power they wield over people–even when they have no power at all.

  8. Carrie says:

    ohmygodohmygodohmygod this is HILARIOUS!!!! I hate the “You know what would be great guy,” because I am probably the “I don’t think we have time to do that, you annoying idiots” panicky lady in the office. (or what used to be my office.) Since I work for myself, it would be kind of funny to still be that way WITH myself.

    @alexandra–HAHAHAHAAH. Ugly old bitch! They’ll ruin your day.

    I also used to work with “Beauty Editor that Stares at My Shoes with Disdain” and “Mr. McDrunken Oversharer re: His Wife’s Monthly Cycles.” Oh, yes. You read that right.

    • the mrs says:

      I work for myself now, too. Occasionally, to fill void created without these people, I have to be them and myself. Some days, I feel like I’m all of these people in one.

  9. fordeville says:

    Spot on, as usual. Love it.
    You Know What Would Be Great Guy has ruined my life more than once. I hate him. He can only be foiled by Project Management Guy, who will make it clear, cell by cell, what it will take to implement this bullshit.

    • the mrs says:

      But what happens with You Know What Would Be Great Guy is Project Management Guy? Because that’s happened to me. Spoiler alert: Ends bad for everyone.

  10. jillsmo says:

    This is fucking BRILLIANT

  11. LMAO at “It puts the memo on the desk..”!!!

    Everyone and I mean EVE. RY. ONE. Needs to read your blog.

  12. Melissa says:

    I recently learned that if you don’t know who the smells bad lady is…it’s you. I won’t go into how I learned that…

  13. Suniverse says:

    I love your genius.

    Truly.

    I hate Bad Smells Cooking Lady. Oh, how I hate her.

  14. Oh my God, I love this post… I wrote a whole dialogue about the first type of jack-ass you describe in my blog a while back. I find that giving them dirty looks and avoiding all types of socializing works wonders to get everyone to leave you alone. I think I need to develop an online course to teach people how to find that balance between “don`t talk to me“ and “I`ll bet you wish you were my friend“; It`s a powerful combination, but once learned and used wisely, it can get you anything.

  15. Lori Dyan says:

    Damn – I’ve worked with all of these people and think I may have been Houdini during both pregnancies (i.e. sneaking naps in my car). I once took a can of lysol and sprayed it over the wall at my stinky cube-mate. I blame pregnancy. And foul-smelling food.

  16. grumpyhair says:

    Lord, how I hate Fish Fridays….the stench reeks and gets in your clothes and hair like a nuclear meltdown. Oddly enough, cats follow me home on Fridays, tho.

  17. Dana Boyle says:

    When I was at the firm they actually banned popcorn for that reason. No popcorn, unless you popped it BEFORE coming to work and brought it cold.

  18. Rebekah Reese says:

    I work for myself now, too. Sorry, babes! The Mr is a good man who wears many hats.

  19. Keyla says:

    I started a new job about two years ago, and while I love my actual work, I do not love my coworkers… One guy that sits next to me is the ““Self-Important Never Shuts Up” Guy and the Houdini Guy AND the Intimidator Guy all rolled up into one. He’s awful, arrogant, and completely ruins my day if he even glances my way. Thankfully I’ve adopted the “Technically my body is at my desk on time, my brain is still sleeping so STFU until I make first contact” look that he has finally recognized.

    The lady on the other side of me is the Smelly Lady – sadly it’s not just her food that stinks 🙁 She smells so bad that when people walk by our area they make faces at me and look for the air freshener I just happen to have on my desk – no really, I’m sure it’s always been there since before Smelly Lady started.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.