Dear Weather.com,

First, let me just say: Good going. You know what the temperature is and are reasonably accurate at predicting what it will be in the future. So, I guess that’s cool.

But you know what’s not cool? Your optimistic and unhelpful descriptions of the day’s weather.

For example, this was the forecast the other day:

This forecast seems to suggest that the sun is out and everything is great.

But your forecast is a deception at best, because it is summertime and the sun is a predator, lying in wait like a hot, fiery ball of ninja kicks to the face.

Going outside is like walking into a trap. Once you are a sufficient distance from shelter–just far enough away from the safety and protection of air conditioning and ceiling fans–the sun will shoot you down like a sniper, using a submachine gun loaded with crippling heat to burn away your very soul.

I mean, REALLY, Weather.com. People are dying of heatstroke out there, and all you have to say is “sunny” with a little orange circle?

The next time it’s 98 degrees and “sunny” outside, maybe you should use this image instead:

Similarly, I’m disappointed by the images and descriptions you use during more extreme weather events. Like a couple of weeks ago, when I was driving from Florida to Georgia, and you showed me this forecast:

“Light hail”? Is that anything like being “lightly” stoned to death?

Seriously? “Light”? That sounds like the most delicate hail storm ever. Why not just show me this:

Oh! I know why! Because “light hail” is serious shit, and small chunks of ice are being hurled from the sky.

Here’s how that drive went, in case you were curious.

 In the future, please use this image instead.

Also, I know you’re mostly in the “weather” business, covering things like rain and sun and shit, but given the extreme events our planet has seen recently, I thought you might want to branch out a little–to stay hip and current, of course.

Just in case, I drew a few things for you. Feel free to use the following images in the event of:

Brushfires or smog

 Earthquakes

 And tsunamis

But even if you don’t decide to use any of the professionally designed images above, I implore you to use the following for days when the weather is perfect. The next time the forecast is 75 degrees and sunny (with a delightful, soft breeze), please use this image.

 

 

P.S.

While we’re here, can I just say that I’ve had enough of your ever-growing collection of Cute-Casts? Things like “PetCast” and “PollenCast” should be erased from your site.

And, also? This needs to stop:

I find your recommendation to use hairspray and hair ties both meddlesome and offensive. (Also, why not just one hair tie? Why do I need “hair ties”–plural? Are you recommending pig tails? Or some kind of weird tri-ponytail? Because I fail to see how those styles would make me more beautiful.)

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32 Responses to an open letter to Weather.com

  1. Whew! I feel soooo much better now that you’ve posted again. I was going through withdrawal.

    Do they have rehab for that? Or methadone?

    Anyway…I’d like to second this whole post because I’m so sick of hearing the weather people talk and then I go outside and am smothered by the actual weather. Maybe I’ll submit this link to our local news stations, too.

    Also, what in the hell is a Beauty Forecast? Must have been made up by a man. *shrugs*

  2. Kendall, this is brilliant!

    This should be for ALL weather channels, worldwide!

  3. Loved this – saw it come through Twitter!

  4. Breann says:

    This is exactly how I feel about the weather right now!

  5. VerbVixen says:

    You are a goddamn genius. Seriously. GENIUS. I kowtow to your greatness.

  6. Jessica says:

    I agree. GENIUS. I’ll see your “98 and Sunny” and raise you a “110 and Windy.” Try wind gusts up to 30 mph with blow dryer temperatures… for reals. I don’t even dry my hair anymore, I need the moisture.

  7. I love this post! I was just telling hubby how crap the weather stations are! Nice and sunny? Noooo! Rain and flooding more like it! They couldn’t have gotten it more wrong! You hit the nail on the head as always!
    Is it too much to say I adore you???

  8. Flannery says:

    This is the most awesome thing EVER! Except for waffles, nothing comes before waffles.

    In Texas, you could combine hot rays of death, fire ants, and mosquitoes into some sort of cataclysmic weather report and that would cover us for 9 months. Yay.

  9. Ceej says:

    “make work your favorite”

    HA! I loves.

  10. Alexis says:

    Great post! I live in VT and have never been anywhere on the planet where the weather predictions are such total crap. The local weather forecasters are about equally able to predict the weather as predict winning lottery numbers.

    Also Vermont thunder storms don’t mess around. Weather will say, “Chance of rain poss. heavy at times” to describe torrential and pounding rain accompanied by dense forked killing lightning, mudslides, and flash floods.

  11. Laura says:

    I would like to see your interpretation of humidity. ‘Cause that’ll smack an unsuspecting person in the face and beat them to the ground. But there’s not a picture icon for it, so how do I know??? Please help!

  12. shen says:

    thank you for the laughs- i so enjoy reading your blog.

  13. Lisa says:

    I find myself regularly writing letters to the weather. Although mine tend to be addressed to the actual weather which may strike most as being a little bit crazier than to a website… I like to think it listens all the same. You know, cut out the middle guy and all.

    But all in all, I COMPLETELY agree with all sentiments. Definitely points that need to be raised!

  14. jillsmo says:

    OMGYOU’REFUNNY

  15. Lala says:

    Frick’in hilarious!

  16. HeathRobots says:

    Bravo for making me laugh a little too loudly at earthquakes. You should be in charge of the whole Internet. WebMD. Weather. Etrade. That talking baby creeps me out.

    Oh yeah, and Dear scientific meteorologist/climate studying types giving me beauty tips: Maybe take hairspray off the check list since it might have something to do with ozone depletion. Morons.

  17. Sharyn says:

    Have you noticed how NOAA deals with weather at night? With a tiny image of… wait for it… DARK.

    Oh those weather sites — always thinking of new ways to make us feel inadequate. Dark? At nighttime? who could have predicted?

  18. OMG, I wouldn’t want to die in a Prius either!!!!!!

    PS Please don’t do this to me ever again. And by “this”, I mean not post for a week and a half. I can’t take it!

  19. Carmen says:

    Fuck this noise. I’m out.

    Bahahahahahaha

    You seriously kill me. ALL.THE.TIME

  20. Suniverse says:

    You are my favorite, every day.

    I love this because 1. It’s fucking hilarious and 2. I am a Weather Channel junkie [or I was before we got rid of cable. Frankly, it's the only part of cable I really miss. Not that it was accurate, but just that it was soothing, with the white-guy jazz and the calm announcer telling me that it would sunny and mild and 85 degrees - those three words do NOT belong together and oh my god, I need to stop.]

    LOVE YOU.

  21. Brilliant post. I just spat my drink all over my desk (thanks – btw). I’m noob here, but you’ve become an instant favourite!

  22. PS. Apologies for the use of an exclamation mark in that last comment.

    Have this to make up for it:

  23. Alexandra says:

    When I come here, I feel like I’m witnessing a star being made inside some galaxy.

    You are one to watch.

    Mark my words (even though that sounds like a threat)

  24. Amy says:

    That is hilarious! Thank you so much for the amusement! :)

  25. rubyspikes says:

    The family and I went to play mini-golf today on a beautiful, sunny day. By the time we were done, the sun and I were no longer on speaking terms. This post… golden.

  26. [...] out this blog because it’s funny and anyone from the marvelous mitten can relate to An Open Letter to weather.com by [...]

  27. Friday Links says:

    [...] Things I hate as well: Weather. [...]

  28. Linny says:

    I am in central FL for almost a year now and thought I would seriously die from the freaking heat this summer…and if the heat doesn’t kill me, the scary HUGE bugs will give me a heart attack!
    Linny recently posted..Lovely Vintage Early 1960s Pearl Trim Ice Blue Bridal Headpiece & Veil plus Bonus

  29. Cornelia Osborne says:

    I love this because 1. GENIUS. The local weather forecasters are about equally able to predict the weather as predict winning lottery numbers. Yay.
    Cornelia Osborne recently posted..Acne Tips

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