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Dear Weather.com,

First, let me just say: Good going. You know what the temperature is and are reasonably accurate at predicting what it will be in the future. So, I guess that’s cool.

But you know what’s not cool? Your optimistic and unhelpful descriptions of the day’s weather.

For example, this was the forecast the other day:

This forecast seems to suggest that the sun is out and everything is great.

But your forecast is a deception at best, because it is summertime and the sun is a predator, lying in wait like a hot, fiery ball of ninja kicks to the face.

Going outside is like walking into a trap. Once you are a sufficient distance from shelter–just far enough away from the safety and protection of air conditioning and ceiling fans–the sun will shoot you down like a sniper, using a submachine gun loaded with crippling heat to burn away your very soul.

I mean, REALLY, Weather.com. People are dying of heatstroke out there, and all you have to say is “sunny” with a little orange circle?

The next time it’s 98 degrees and “sunny” outside, maybe you should use this image instead:

Similarly, I’m disappointed by the images and descriptions you use during more extreme weather events. Like a couple of weeks ago, when I was driving from Florida to Georgia, and you showed me this forecast:

“Light hail”? Is that anything like being “lightly” stoned to death?

Seriously? “Light”? That sounds like the most delicate hail storm ever. Why not just show me this:

Oh! I know why! Because “light hail” is serious shit, and small chunks of ice are being hurled from the sky.

Here’s how that drive went, in case you were curious.

 In the future, please use this image instead.

Also, I know you’re mostly in the “weather” business, covering things like rain and sun and shit, but given the extreme events our planet has seen recently, I thought you might want to branch out a little–to stay hip and current, of course.

Just in case, I drew a few things for you. Feel free to use the following images in the event of:

Brushfires or smog

 Earthquakes

 And tsunamis

But even if you don’t decide to use any of the professionally designed images above, I implore you to use the following for days when the weather is perfect. The next time the forecast is 75 degrees and sunny (with a delightful, soft breeze), please use this image.

 

 

P.S.

While we’re here, can I just say that I’ve had enough of your ever-growing collection of Cute-Casts? Things like “PetCast” and “PollenCast” should be erased from your site.

And, also? This needs to stop:

I find your recommendation to use hairspray and hair ties both meddlesome and offensive. (Also, why not just one hair tie? Why do I need “hair ties”–plural? Are you recommending pig tails? Or some kind of weird tri-ponytail? Because I fail to see how those styles would make me more beautiful.)

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