So I’m at the age where a lot of my friends are getting married. And this is cool. Weddings are a super fun time, because often sealing love for eternity-ish in front of a room full of friends and family often involves an open bar and someone playing Journey’s “Faithfully” (I’m still YOOOUUUUU-UUUUUURS!)

But before the wedding comes the bridal shower. For those of you who are not familiar with what a bridal shower is, it’s basically the thing where pastel colors throw up on a room full of women and cupcakes, and then everyone has to watch the bride-to-be open a bunch of wrapped gifts and act like owning a standing mixer is the same thing as winning Miss America. (I’ll give you this much: A standing mixer is way more useful than a Miss America sash.)

And somewhere between the introducing yourself to the bride’s distant aunt Muffin part and the part where you finally get to leave, someone will hand you one of these cards:

You’re supposed to write down advice to prepare the bride for marriage, and at some point during the shower, the bride will read the advice–or you will read your advice to her–aloud while everyone giggles. And it’s pretty much the biggest farce in the entire wedding-bridal-marriage process, because everyone writes flowery, romantic things like “Always accept a kiss from your hubby, even if you’ve just applied your lipstick. Tee hee.” Which I’m thinking is about the same as teaching someone to SCUBA dive by saying “make sure you look at all the cute fishies!” and then pushing them into the ocean.

Don’t we owe each other a little honest? I’m not saying bring the transcripts of a divorce arbitration to the shower, but say something helpful, something sage-y.

Here are some suggestions:

 

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Here are some things I like about charts.

They are informative.

(this chart originally appeared here)

Instructional.

(this chart originally appeared here)

And…um…Tupac-ish?

(this chart originally appeared here)

Also? Charts have a site dedicated to their amazing, sparkly powers. (I love charts)

But charts’ most remarkable accomplishment to date is getting its very own book, which is available May 1.

High fives to the authors Jason Oberholtzer and Cody Westphal for their work and a huge thanks to both of them for including a chart from This is Not That Blog in the book.

 

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