Just a few charts to get you through the blue-blazing heat of the summer.

Hey! Did you enjoy winter? How about that fifteen-minute breeze we called spring? Whelp, I hope you’ve had your fill of being cold, because from now until October you’re going to be one unshaded moment away from spontaneously combusting. YAY!

It’s time to get excited about sweating through everything you own.

More importantly, it’s time to get acquainted with someone–anyone. really–that owns a pool.

Pools are imperative during the summer, because the summer months are when all of those days you spent as a kid pretending the floor was lava pay off. Because in the summertime EVERYTHING ACTUALLY IS LAVA.

Take my neighborhood for example. During the fall, winter and spring it looks like this:

But in the summer, my neighborhood looks like this:

Befriending my neighbors is going to be a pretty big challenge, since I’m fairly certain they hate me on account of how much I hate them (and all of their friends who habitually park in front of my house and/or mailbox and their dog and their music). But I plan to rise to the occasion.

And in the meantime, I’ll be sucking down Slurpees like it’s my job.

This post is not endorsed by lava or slurpees. Summer, however, is literally and figuratively sponsored by the surface of the sun.


24 Responses to the science of summertime

  1. Mayor Gia says:

    HAHAH I hear you. I don’t like sweating. I need to find a friend nearby with a pool. Or a pool that comes with a person. I don’t care.

  2. neal says:

    The worst is those leather desk chairs that seem like such a good idea during the winter or spring, but then stick to you during the summer so that you have to walk around with it protruding from your posterior when you get up to get a cup of iced depression.

    Did you ever see that film with Burt Lancaster (The Swimmer) where the plot follows his efforts to traverse a countryside by swimming through every neighbor’s pool along the way? What? You’re not 62 years old?

  3. Good luck, girl.

    If you need a reference. . .

  4. bluzdude says:

    Who knew that your regular summer looks just like that final scene from Terminator 2, when Arnold is lowered into the molten steel?

  5. red says:

    I freakin’ LOVE this! I am right there with you on all points. Especially now that I moved away from the beach. (what WAS I thinking?) Except that, until I get a job I’ll have to forgo the slurpees.


  6. Chooplah says:

    Thank God diet slurpee is coming out.

  7. You should move to England. Any desires for a pool are dashed by the fact we pay for every three days of sunshine with three months of rain. What I *wouldn’t* do for some lava right about now.

  8. Holly Folly says:

    You have just summed up my thoughts on summer. I am under doctors orders not to get overheated or I could die (no pressure) but I feel crushing you are driving the power bill sky high guilt when I use the AC. So most of my time is spent laying under various fans and complaining.

  9. I feel you. I live in Virginia, and some days I swear the air is like bad flan. Sticky, warm, and thick–and totally useless for breathing or attempting to cool off. You move it around and it is no cooler, you just have swirling sticky then.

  10. Jaime says:

    sweating is the worst… I effing hate summer.

  11. tracey says:

    I get so excited when I see that you have written another post. What is it about your choices of adjectives and descriptive nouns that make me want to giggle and smirk in a roomful of strangers? They have no idea how FUNNY this post about POOLS and SLURPEES is. NO. IDEA.

  12. Amy says:

    You can buy a pool at target 15+ feet wide for like $300. Then you can post a blog about it and tongue-in-cheekily call it “Target turned me into a redneck” like I did back in the day and have every redneck in the world come out of the woodwork and call you a rich snob. Then you can float around in that pool quietly crying hot tears of sadness at the nearly illiterate verbal assault you suffered. Not because their words upset you, but because they were all spelled so creatively you wept for the world of tomorrow.

  13. Yeah, it is really nice to stay at the pool during summer. So lucky you are to have a neighbor’s pool where you can stay and take a swim when you feel hot and sweating.

  14. Miriam89 says:

    Sweating is so yucky! Especially when it’s on your armpit! My gosh..it makes me conscious if that’s happen to me.

  15. Britt says:

    I can’t even begin to tell you how many sweaty ass jokes exist in my social circle. I’m so pleased to see you also experience sweaty ass.

    (I can only hope that I’m the first person to be grateful for your sweaty ass. Actually, scratch that, I hope I’m not.)


  16. Melissa says:

    Yeah, we call it Swamp Ass Season back home. If I had a pool, I’d invite you over. But I don’t, so… just kidding, you can still come over.

  17. Finally! Someone who appreciates my distaste of summer because of the excess seating! My niece came over the other day and asked why my face was so wet…I had to explain the evils of sweat to her and then I had her sit quietly with me as we prayed she would not inherit the super sweaty gene.

    Princess WeeWee

  18. Mis says:

    Ahahahaha…I HATE summer so much, for this very reason. My parents have a pool. Unfortunately they live 550 miles away. Slurpees (and margaritas), here I come.

  19. Arieloser says:

    Oh… My… God. I literally had an asthma attack.

    I’m totally using the work literally correctly. Because I did. Have an asthma attack.

  20. Summer is like earth having peri-menopause scorcher sweatface hot flashes.

  21. Nelie says:

    Summertime is really here and we should make sure that we can spend time together with the whole family and especially the kids..

  22. blondie says:

    Not to be a blogroupie, but you are seriously funny.

  23. DawnA says:

    I have had people point out that I sweat A LOT. If it’s especially hot outside I sweat A LOT and my face gets really (really) red. I once also had an instructor in an exercise class ask if I was ok. Awkward.

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