So I’m at the age where a lot of my friends are getting married. And this is cool. Weddings are a super fun time, because often sealing love for eternity-ish in front of a room full of friends and family often involves an open bar and someone playing Journey’s “Faithfully” (I’m still YOOOUUUUU-UUUUUURS!)

But before the wedding comes the bridal shower. For those of you who are not familiar with what a bridal shower is, it’s basically the thing where pastel colors throw up on a room full of women and cupcakes, and then everyone has to watch the bride-to-be open a bunch of wrapped gifts and act like owning a standing mixer is the same thing as winning Miss America. (I’ll give you this much: A standing mixer is way more useful than a Miss America sash.)

And somewhere between the introducing yourself to the bride’s distant aunt Muffin part and the part where you finally get to leave, someone will hand you one of these cards:

You’re supposed to write down advice to prepare the bride for marriage, and at some point during the shower, the bride will read the advice–or you will read your advice to her–aloud while everyone giggles. And it’s pretty much the biggest farce in the entire wedding-bridal-marriage process, because everyone writes flowery, romantic things like “Always accept a kiss from your hubby, even if you’ve just applied your lipstick. Tee hee.” Which I’m thinking is about the same as teaching someone to SCUBA dive by saying “make sure you look at all the cute fishies!” and then pushing them into the ocean.

Don’t we owe each other a little honest? I’m not saying bring the transcripts of a divorce arbitration to the shower, but say something helpful, something sage-y.

Here are some suggestions:

 

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31 Responses to advice for the bride

  1. A) Welcome back. I missed you.

    B) Being able to shove eight grapes in your mouth is a little frightening. The bride might want to reconsider if she wants such a person to be the sperm donor for her future children.
    Sports-O-Nista recently posted..Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown…

  2. Faith says:

    Additional advice from a 5 year marriage vet:

    Men are pretty dumb when it comes to women before they meet and marry their true love.

    Marriage does NOT make them smarter.
    Faith recently posted..This is mostly for XO. But other people might like it, too.

  3. That’s because just when we think we’ve learned something, you all have one of those secret meetings and change everything around.

    We’re not actually dumb. We just play dumb for lower expectations.
    Bob the Water Cat recently posted..What Are Legend Points and Where Can I Exchange Them for Something Nice Like a Slanket?

  4. Mayor Gia says:

    Aw, this advice is cute/spot on, not that I’m married or really know what I’m talking about. The dishwasher thing is huge, I’m sure.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend is My Hero

  5. Oh the wedding season. It’s painful and costs both money and units of sanity in large quantities.
    Jo and the Novelist recently posted..Dancing in the Moonlight…

  6. Meg says:

    Recently at a bridal shower, I called BS on all the typical marriage advice and almost got run out of the room by old ladies with bibles and big handbags. After several reminders for her to perform her “wifely duties” regardless of how she was feeling, never go to bed angry and always have a hot meal waiting for him I couldn’t hold my tongue. I simply told her to ignore their 1950s wisdom and just don’t smother him with a pillow when he continually farts in bed or snores so loud that even TV can’t drown out the noise. Other than that, there is no secret or trick it’s choosing to be with each other every day. The bride loved my advice but the old ladies were less than amused.

  7. Tans says:

    Everyone told me cutesy things like “always hold each other’s hand!” and “don’t go to bed angry!”

    We’ll be 10 years into this whole marriage thing next week, and the one thing we learned early on is go indeed go to bed if you’re arguing and it’s getting late. Or go to another room. Or in our case, if it’s a bad argument (which has only happened once) he leaves to go sleep at the fire station. (It’s ok, he’s on the department. I’m not sure they just let you show up there with your pillow if you’re not willing to pull a kitten out of a tree when the phone rings at 3 am.)

    The moral is, sometimes you need to be together, sometimes you need to be alone and sometimes you just need to go the f**k to sleep.

    Amen.
    Tans recently posted..It’s not an after school special PSA, but you need to know it anyway…

  8. Stephanie says:

    I once organized my husband’s tools and he gave me such grief about it that I didn’t do it again for several years. Then one day it dawned on me that I’M always the one he sends looking for tools, not HIM! So since that day I organize his tools however I damn well please. I can find what he needs when he asks for it, and everybody’s happy.

  9. Jaclyn says:

    When my (recently divorced) best friend got married, I put 3 simple words on my “advice to the bride” card: DON’T DO IT. And yes, it WAS in all caps. That’s just how I roll.

  10. source says:

    This blog has some very useful info on it. Thank you for sharing it with me.
    source recently posted.._s-xclick

  11. Kellie says:

    I went to a bridal shower once that asked us to fill in those little cards. Being the clever person that I am (read smart ass with no sense of decorum), I put down “You do not have to try all positions in the karma sutra on your wedding night … save something for the rest of the honeymoon”. Turns out it wasn’t that sort of a shower. The bride’s grandmother still looks at me askance when I get invited to family things.
    Kellie recently posted..Podficcing and other adventures in absurdity…

  12. Jaime says:

    hahaha… so fucking true. The same should be done for baby showers…. stuff like,

    “at some point, you’re going to be completely covered in poop.. but it’s ok”

    OR

    “no matter what this doctor or that specialist or your friends, your parents or basically anyone else out there says… you gotta do what’s best for YOU and YOUR kid.. end of story.”
    Jaime recently posted..the fate of the world.

  13. Anny P says:

    When I was getting married, we had to go to ‘marriage preparation classes’ with the vicar. After one session, we agreed that everything could be summed up in one simple piece of advice – get a dishwasher. We have one, we’re still married, and one day he’ll discover how the dishes that he leaves on top actually make it into the machine.
    Anny P recently posted..Time To Shell Out…

  14. bluzdude says:

    Oh, there’s a “right way” to load a dishwasher! My gf loads the thing like it’s a Picasso painting… shit goes every which way. I can’t get her to see that the racks are designed for things to go a certain way, to ensure that they get properly cleaned.

    Luckily for our sanity, I stopped trying. No sense fighting about dishes…
    bluzdude recently posted..Bluz on Newz

  15. Alexis says:

    I hate any party where the main activity involves opening gifts and getting excited over the matching dish towels that inevitably appear.

    I just learned that if you tell your husband not to buy you anything expensive for Mother’s day this will be interpreted as, “Do nothing for Mother’s day.” Thus the advice is – specificity in communication is key.

    Also? Husbands grow more hair as they age. Look at this man and imagine him as a werewolf. This is who you will be having sex with in 15 years. If that image is not working for you, save yourselves a bunch of time and just skip the whole wedding part.

  16. Christine says:

    I once wrote “Make sure he gives you head, too” on the advice card.

    Then I ate three pieces of cake and pocketed some tortilla rolls.

    That’s when I realized I was in Ballroom A instead of Ballroom B at the wrong bridal shower.
    Christine recently posted..From Chic to Crackwhore in 8 Easy Steps

  17. red says:

    Hilarious! I hear/see so many people argue over the dishwasher thing. Awesome.

    I’m not married, but my oldest sister recently told me that she and our other sister – while having a spa day – decided if I get married they won’t throw a shower or a bachelorette party. Just a spa day. I’m down with that.
    red recently posted..Where Does the Time Go? Catching Up

  18. Nera Fuss says:

    I love reading your advice for the bride. I am getting married next month so I really love the advice you have posted. I will definitely not forget this advice.
    Nera Fuss recently posted..Male Extra Review

  19. Jay says:

    I love this post, and I’m actually one of those crazy girls who likes watching ESPN. My boyfriend is so lucky.
    Jay recently posted..Friday Fashion: Craig Sager

  20. Heidi19 says:

    Great advice here. I think this can really help. Thanks for sharing this with us and i’m looking forward to read more from you.
    Heidi19 recently posted..Arowana – a prized investment catch or …

  21. Born27 says:

    Remember this too.. Always appreciate your husband even in a little thing he did for you.. That’s how your married life grows fonder..
    Born27 recently posted..Video Conferencing System

  22. Love the real-life advice. I hate having to fill those out at bridal or baby showers. Especially because I am neither married nor with children. If you want advice on things *not* to do, I’m your gal!
    CrazyTragicAlmostMagic recently posted..Summer is OFFICIAL!

  23. Wow. You used “Please” to ask for channel changes. That is usually a fight over the remote in our house. My wife would change the channel or make a remark about the show and I would change it. :) Luckily, we have similar taste.
    The Extrovert recently posted..No title, just substance.

  24. DynnaLou says:

    This is a great advice to all soon to be bride.. I think a lot of people especially the women would want to have a perfect and successful relationship with their husband..
    DynnaLou recently posted..Home Remedy For Gout

  25. Carol says:

    Yeah. it is indeed an great advice for all soon to be bride. :)

  26. Holly Folly says:

    Oh god yes. My advice, although this would not work very well at the shower itself, is that you have to live with the person you are going to marry for at least a year before getting married. Yes a whole year. You will have to look at the socks on the floor, live with them when they are sick, and have arguments and then ask yourself at the end of it if you can put up with all that, If the answer is yes, go for it. I’ve been married six years as of April and I am so happy that I did I trial run.
    Holly Folly recently posted..Scything the Meadows (now with Extra Back Pain)

  27. Crystal says:

    bridal shower is the perfect time for the future bride to get together with her friends and family and share a special moment. It is a time to laugh together and to reminisce. It is also the perfect time to offer the bride some friendly advice about married life. Offering the bride marriage advice is a tradition for most bridal showers..
    Crystal recently posted..Copywriters Devon

  28. Claire says:

    I think a lot of people especially the women would want to have a perfect and successful relationship with their husband..
    Claire recently posted..Tips To Getting Pregnant

  29. I love and totally agree with number 2! (Somehow that doesn’t sound right…)

    My inner dictator definitely wants to tell people the precise way to load the dishwasher…the proper way. The ONE true way to correctly load the dishwasher. It is hard to resist sometimes. Then I remember how shitty it feels to be told you are doing something wrong, and I ask myself if loading the dishwasher (or whatever mundane task I feel the need to regiment)is important enough that I want to make my partner feel shitty over it. Once I think of it that way, it is pretty easy to shut up about the dishwasher.
    Methodique Boisson recently posted..Tossing salad…with LETTUCE, people!

  30. Jess says:

    I can totally fit 8,000 grapes in my mouth. Cute article!

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