Working can be awesome. It gives you a sense of purpose, a place to go when you’re ready to run away from home and the occasional feeling of accomplishment.

But sometimes working is the fucking bane of your existence, and you would rather army crawl over hot coals and broken glass and then take a swim in a vat of acid than drag yourself into the office. These are the days you forget you’re being paid for your labors and you wonder what the hell your boss’s problem is for wanting you to report to work. And when you feel this way, it’s usually because of one of these assholes…

1. “Self-Important Never Shuts Up” Guy

Conversations with Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy seem like a good idea when they start. You want to be friendly, after all. And it would be unkind to ignore Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy as you pass him in the break room. So, you casually say hello…

But it’s not long before you regret your decision to say good morning, because Self-Important Never Shuts Up Guy is his own biggest fan. And now you’re trapped listening to an endless monologue about his life, his children, his bunion and his cat, who is currently battling Feline AIDS.

With no reasonable means for escape, you are required to walk away mid-sentence, because you have actual work to do. And while making an excuse for your exit seems like the right thing to do, you’re not opening your goddamn mouth to say anything else. You’ve learned your lesson for now, and you can’t afford the risk of losing the rest of your day’s productivity to this guy.

2. “Houdini”

Houdini is running the most popular disappearing act in the office. She is the co-worker that can never be found. She’s always “in a meeting” or “with a client”, but the longer she stays missing, the more suspicious her disappearances feel.

Houdini’s frequent and long-running absences wouldn’t be so troublesome if she wasn’t always involved in your projects, and whether it’s 3:30 p.m. on Friday or 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Houdini will leave you hanging when it matters most.

3. “You Know What Would Be Great” Guy

You Know What Would Be Great Guy happens to be a master of the impractical, who wanders the workplace with abstract and unattainable ideas that are also weapons of mass destruction. He possesses a near-deadly ratio of authority to pie-in-the-sky dreams, and without warning, You Know What Would Be Great Guy can invent a new project that will derail your entire life.

On any given day, You Know What Would Be Great Guy saunters into a room, strapped with the most intense ammunition known to the working man.

After dropping the “Impossible Idea Bomb” on a room full of minions, You Know What Would Be Great Guy leaves as casually as he arrived–either unaware of or unconcerned with the fall out.

Too often, it takes days–even weeks–to clean up the aftermath.

4. “Intimidator”

The Intimidator is typically someone who has more power than you in the workplace. The Intimidator is so frightening and serious about his work that urban legends of his abilities to cause people to spontaneously combust run rampant through the office, and his favorite past time seems to be making you wish you were never born.

You avoid his glances in meetings, park as far away from his car as possible in the morning and–in the unlucky event that you are required to interact with him–you have to give yourself a 25-minute pep talk in the bathroom before embarking on your mission.

And then disengage as quickly as possible.

5. “I Cook Bad Smells” Lady

I Cook Bad Smells Lady is at once the most dangerous and benign villain in the workplace. She is ninja-like in her attacks. In fact, you may never learn her true identity. But you know she exists, because at any given time of the day, I Cook Bad Smells Lady is using the break room microwave to poison your office’s oxygen supply with the noxious smell of burnt popcorn, dried-out fish and other phantom food odors that are too easily sucked into the air conditioning vent and pumped through the entire office.

You are constantly cursing yourself for not bringing a gas mask to work as the first waves of the toxic smell waft through the air. You find yourself praying that the evil stench will render you unconscious, because blacking out at work suddenly feels like the sweetest escape from the scent of pure evil.

People of the workplace, these are our enemies. They are office terrorists, and as far as I can tell, there is no stopping them.