I don’t know if you know this about me, but I don’t have any children. Not yet anyway.
Sometimes, I feel like an imposter, because I spend a lot of time romping around the internet, reading the blogs of stay at home moms and being like “You hate cleaning, too?!?!” or “You’re tired, lady with five kids? I’m tired! Ha ha! WE’RE THE SAME!”
But we are not the same. No, we are not.
In all likelihood, a woman with five kids is tired because she’s RAISING FIVE KIDS. But I’m tired because I had to dress myself AND brush my hair today.
Parents: Even if you have one child and you’re doing the bare minimum as a caregiver, your day is 150 times more taxing than mine.
I respect the crap out of parents. But I’m also kind of enjoying life on my side of the fence. You know, the side where, if I get out of bed in the morning, great! And if I don’t, no one starves.
Lately, though, the Mr keeps threatening to destroy the delicate balance of my life.
He wants a baby.
Now, I like babies. A lot. I coo over babies in restaurants. I lunge after baby clothes in stores. I’ve even already named and renamed our pretend children.
So, you’d think I’d be psyched and say, “It’s baby time! Let’s DO IT!” (Not “it” it, but you know, let’s go get us a baby) now that the Mr wants to start a family.
But I can’t be psyched, because I am pathologically afraid of pregnant woman.
I like to call this disorder: PREGNOPHOBIA.
When I find out a friend is expecting or I meet a pregnant woman at a bridal shower, I try to give the appropriate reaction.
In my head, though, the interaction goes a lot more like this:
And I end up having to fake a head injury on the spot just to get away from my own awkward laughter.
For the record, faking a head injury mid-sentence is pretty tough to do, but if you suffer from pregnophobia, too, and you find yourself needing to flee from a pregnant woman, I recommend you squint your eyes and chew on your own tongue a little.
Pregnant women and mothers of the world: Please don’t be offended. It’s not that I dislike you. My own mother was a pregnant woman once–four times actually.
I’m just scared.
I cannot wrap my brain around pregnancy.
When you get pregnant, you are physically afflicted for 40 weeks. Even drinking bleach isn’t that toxic. If you drink bleach, you’re going to get sick or you’re going to die. Either way, though, I have to believe it runs its course pretty quickly.
But 40 weeks! That is a long time. And the whole time, there’s all kinds of CRAZY stuff going on in there.
And I know this, because pregnant women don’t spare you the details of their pregnancies. They want to tell you about seeing the baby’s limbs as they get farther along. Hands and feet apparently move across the belly, and you can see them through the skin!
The pregnant women I have talked LOVE THIS! But all I can think when they tell me about this is: THERE IS SOMETHING TRAPPED INSIDE OF YOU AND IT IS ALIVE!
And in my case, it probably won’t be a baby. With my luck, this thing will be trapped inside of my uterus for 10 months:
Yeah.
I will probably be the first woman in history to be pregnant with a web-footed T-Rex.
But growing a dinosaur inside of my body, while uncomfortable and frightening, isn’t even the part that scares me so much I might pass out.
Because after a baby wanders around inside of you for 10 months, changing your body and eating your food and sometimes making you sick, THEN you have to deliver the baby (or the T-Rex, in my case.)
I have been so afraid of this process for so long that it has taken on a life of it’s own in my imagination.
Sure, I’ve seen flashes of delivery scenes in movies, but I’ve never actually been there for all of the 648 hours that it takes to make a delivery happen. And assuming I do deliver a T-Rex with webbed feet, it’s going to take some heavy-duty equipment to get that thing out.
And whether you deliver a dinosaur or a human baby, here’s what I’m pretty sure happens during delivery:
And it takes three shaman and unicorn tears to bring you back to life.
And then, I imagine, you have to be sworn to secrecy or your memory is erased or something, so that other women won’t find out about what happens in that delivery room. I know my friends’ memories have been tampered with, because after their babies are born, their descriptions of the delivery are always pretty vague. Like “Oh, I was in labor for forever” or “They had to sew me back together.”
But as I think my drawings have shown, I have a pretty firm grasp of what’s going on, and I will not be fooled by their efforts to downplay the delivery situation.
I’ve tried to explain all of this to the Mr, but he is not impressed with my pregnophobia. He keeps trying to sooth away my fears by saying, “Hey, it’ll be OK. I’ll be there”
REALLY, MR? I’m going to grow a human/possible dinosaur in my body for 10 months, and you’re going to “be there.” Pfft.
Needless to say we’ve reached a bit of a stalemate for the time being. I’m not throwing away my birth control this month. But I feel certain that the 21st Century household has been contaminated with full-blown baby fever.
Sometimes, I even think the fever is overtaking my pregnophobia.
And even though I try not to take it personally when I pass pregnant women in the grocery store, I feel like these women know my house is infected with the fever and that I am weakened by the sickness. Because every now and then, just for a second, I’m sure they are staring at me, and I can feel them willing me to join them. I think pregnant women know their bellies are load weapons–full of babies!–to a girl struggling with baby fever. And ever so softly I can hear them telling me to cast my pregnophobia aside. And I want to yell, “Hey! Don’t point that baby at me!”
33 Responses to please don’t point that baby at me
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LOL! All I can say is, enjoy your side of the fence while you can. I love my girls, but I sometimes miss the days when it was just the Mr. and me.
I’ll drink to that!
No, seriously.
OMG!!! That’s it! You have named my phobia! I agree with you 100%. Do you think there is a website were we can make donations to help support us…because we will need wine.
While I’m not sure about the support group, I am sure we are in big trouble. There’s no wine where we’re going. Not for 10 months anyway. While that T-Rex grows strong. Super strong!
Oh man, I sweat just thinking about it.
HAHAHAHA!!! You really crack me up.
I didn’t lose any limbs. Just a few brain cells (there’s this condition called Pregnant on the brain). I never, EVER thought I’d have kids. My two surprise pregnancies were nature’s way of pointing at me and saying, “HA HA!” Like the kid from the Simpsons.
I hate it when nature laughs at me. She’s such a jerk sometimes!
Being in the”hey, this pregnancy thing isn’t so bad” phase (aka the second trimester), I am totally unqualified to calm your nerves on this subject. I can, however, share this pre-conception advice from, of all places, “How I Met Your Mother”: make a list of every fantastic thing you and the Mr would like to do *before* having children and get cracking on it! I am a walking cautionary tale for thirtysomething women who think getting pregnant will take a while, only for it to pretty much happen instantly (and well before the hus-b and I had a chance to make a dent in our own “cradle list”). Now go drunkenly traipse across Europe with the Mr, already!
I love this advice. Thank you!
P.S. I hear so many people say that didn’t start trying, they just stopped preventing pregnancy, and they got pregnant right away. Of course, there are others that try for a long time. I guess you never know until it’s your turn.
Alright you got me. Although the problem is that I thought I was going to read something quickly and then run off to bed but instead I feel compelled to write an entire post of my own addressing yours. I will say this— I will be back and we will be fast friends. I am certain.
Signed, Ex-Pregnophobia Person
Oh! A rebuttal from an ex-pregnophobe! I would LOVE THAT! and the Mr probably would too 🙂
I’ve just met you, yet I’ve fallen in love with you and your T-Rex webbed foot baby.
Love,
Teh Gays
Oh good! My T-Rex baby’s going to need a babysitter. He probably bites. I hope that’s OK.
It was like you were in the delivery room with me.
But the pregnancy isn’t the worst part. I’d say the worst is having your toddler wave goodbye to your poo every time you need to use the bathroom or when they slice your face open with their fingernails.
And it will happen.
So much to look forward to! The Mr is never getting that baby 🙂
Being in the third trimester of 2nd pregnancy I am here to tell you YOUR FEARS ARE REAL!
This whole alien moving inside you thing: the most bizarre thing you’ll ever experience. And then there is the total lack of control over your emotions. These hormones are a bitch. And then if you have a boy…think about that one for a moment: You have a little wiener inside you 24/7. Yeah, its frickin weird!
But they’re damn cute after you know, they’re fed and bathed.
BTW: I LOVE YOUR VOICE! Yup, signed up and followed.
You’re my new personal hero. That is all.
I laughed so hard reading this post that my stomach hurts. Thanks for that! My husband and I actually couldn’t collect ourselves for a few minutes after we saw your illustration of you post-birth. I also share your affliction. You’re not crazy, and your fear is a legitimate phobia. Check out this link for more info. I’ve only ever seen it spelled with a “c” instead of a “k”, but whatever:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tokophobia
I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Sadly, knowing my fear is legit only validates my refusal to give the Mr a T-rex baby. We may never have kids now. 🙂
There’s always adoption or surrogates… but if you actually DON’T want kids, then you don’t need to share this information with the Mr.
True. I really DO want kids. I think adoption is wonderful and surrogacy’s good, too. I think I’d like to try to get pregnant, but I have so much fear. OH the fear. I’m sure there will be more to come before it’s all been decided. Thanks for reading about how crazy I am.
[…] she’s not confessing her fear of pregnant women or plotting her revenge against Jake Ryan, she’s tweeting — take note and follow […]
I completely agree! Pregnant women are everywhere! I have had pregnophobia for years and no one understands. I explain, it is the most unnatural natural thing in the world, my husband retorts with, it’s a beautiful, natural thing that happens to almost half of the planet. Half of the planet my ass. It’s still a huge mystery to those of us who have not yet been knocked up. Have you watched “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” on TLC I think. It’s like a horror movie to women like us. (Also, quick aside, I also want kids one day and will eventually have to get over this, but F, it’s terrifying!)
There must be a support group for women like us. I’m going to find one or start one and get back to you with more information.
PA, Pregnophobes anonymous? Actually we shouldn’t be anonymous, we should let people know so they don’t talk about relaxin with us (which my sister went on about for-evvvvv-er recently.)
I think IYFP sounds good (In Your Face Pregnophonbia.) We’ll get T-shirts.
Loved this! Hope we didn’t scare you too bad! Just don’t watch our power point or puppet show once we get it rolling and you’ll be fine! the fact that you’re worried means you’ll be great, really. 🙂
Aww, vintage Kendall! My pregnancies were super easy. Labors were ridiculously easy. Raising a child who literally wants to destroy you? Well… at least he’s not a t-rex.
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Dude, I know this post is old, but still…I had to comment.
I suffered with infertility for a few years. It sucked. Then we tried to adopt. Then I got pregnant. Everything was perfect – I even got the red-headed girl I wanted.
Then I decided that pregnancy was overrated and we could just adopt. We adopted a little boy who is 14 months younger than our daughter through DSS.
Adoption is SO MUCH BETTER. You just go somewhere (hospital, house, orphanage) and pick up your child and take them home.
No sickness. No weight gain. No delivery or blood bath. And no T-Rexs. You get a picture of your kid first to make sure it’s NOT a T-Rex. It’s awesome.
Give it a try! (and while I 100% mean everything I just wrote, for more serious posts about adoption, check out my blog.)
I’ve legit falling in love with your blog. You are amazingly witty !!! And while I don’t share your “pregnophobia” when I googled it I found that someone on Yahoo Answers also refers to it as “pregnophobia” so rest assured everyone you are not alone.
There must be a support group for women like us. Alright you got me. Dude, I know this post is old, but still…I had to comment.
Ugh- I feel you. I actually over the years have gotten a bit better at being In the same room with a pregnant woman… But the belly touching, ugh and god forbid I be TRAPPED in an elevator or car with one. It’s funny, right, people laugh but it’s a REAL issue and I’ve lost some good friends over it. He’ll, my sister is still pissed at me!!! But people laugh cuz it sounds crazy and they don’t understand how irrational the fear is… How deep it goes. I’m sorry for you, that you too deal with this. I’m sorry for everytime you have had to “fake a head injury” or “make up a baby-shower ditch effort excuse”. I FULLY understand where you are coming from, and believe me- years of therapy don’t help much. For you, adoption might be a good option… But remember, that child is likely to someday want to HAVE a child of its own- and it’s harder to run from family. Good luck 🙂 thanks for the blog- makes me feel better that I’m not the only one who has resorted to embracing the humor to cover the pain.
I highly recommend having a babyectomy, AKA elective c-section. No huffing and puffing. No pushing and screaming. You just lie there and chat with your husband while a medical team does all the work on the other side of the sheet.