Practically every time I go to the grocery store, I brazenly reject the receptacle loan service at the front of the store.

And seconds later…

Considering how often I drop things or try to carry more than I am physically able, I have to assume that–if they’re of any use at all–my genes/DNA are already working on some evolutionary solution. My descendants will probably have extra arms or something awesome like that. But this is useless to me for two reasons: 1. I don’t know those assholes. And 2. I’ll be dead by then.

I need a solution now. Don’t worry. I’ve already got the perfect thing in mind: I’m actively searching for a vaguely qualified doctor to sew a kangaroo pouch to my stomach.

Excuse me while I imagine the possibilities.

I know the above solution is mediocre at best, but that did not stop me from letting my imagination run wild on this next idea.

Sick of folding and sorting laundry I am never actually going to put away (I mean; I’m only one person, one extremely lazy person to be more specific), I’ve also brainstormed some improvements in home decorating, cleaning and/or organizing.

Pinterest

31 Responses to in which i solve problems by proposing unreasonable solutions

  1. Mayor Gia says:

    Hmm…you should buy one of those baby holders that you strap to your chest and convert it to a hands free food holder. That might work.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Valentine’s Day Lioness

  2. HeathRobots says:

    What are you doing with bananas and stupid milk? You need that pouch space for all the fruit roll ups! Try to avoid the Sponge Bob tropical punch flavor, though. Seems they missed the obvious when they didn’t make it pineapple flavored.

    Also, ANTHRAX?! Haha. You’re at Winn Dixie aren’t you?

  3. HYP says:

    Remember when you are the funniest funny that ever funnied?
    HYP recently posted..Top Five Answers Are On The Board…

  4. Miss says:

    This makes me think of that Jane’s Addiction song. Please don’t wear a fake pregnancy belly to hold your groceries. I think you’re local food retailer would frown on that.

  5. I tend to get the basket and forgo the cart. Why, I don’t know. Maybe because I fancy myself to be Dorothy Gale? Anyhoo, it never fails that by aisle three that thing is so heavy I’m just kicking it in front of me.
    Sports-O-Nista recently posted..Go Hard or Go Home

  6. jillsmo says:

    mmmmmm

    delicious anthrax
    jillsmo recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Snark protégé

  7. Red says:

    I happily pick up one of those eensy baskets, thinking “I have a short list today! This will surely hold my few items!” I then proceed to dump the cheese, or frozen pizza on the floor as I make my way to checkout with an overflowing basket.

    And usually the milk is in my hand, not the basket.
    Red recently posted..Annoyance and Redemption!! – with a smile!

  8. Alexis says:

    Technically I think that hiding food in your clothes constitutes shop lifting.

    Also? As a fully grown adult and mother of 2 I will admit that I HATE folding and putting laundry away. Which is why I don’t. My husband and I just rummage through the “clean bin of clothes” like groundhogs, until it’s empty. Most of my friends think this makes me a modern day cave person but personally I cling to the desperate belief that it’s a sign that I’m more evolved.
    Alexis recently posted..10 Best Picture Books for Boys

  9. anztogether says:

    I’m glad you’re still alive – I obsessively read the whole blog from the beginning to current, and then you didn’t post for 2 weeks!!! It seems like that always happens when I find a new blog that I love – and I love yours!

    • kendall says:

      I HATE it when that happens. I’m sorry I did that to you. Rest assured, I am alive. I’m also really impressed you were dedicated enough to read the whole blog. I feel like I owe you a written apology…

  10. Kate.Z says:

    I think every problems takes a time to think of it.. Because there’s no problem that cannot be solved..
    Kate.Z recently posted..ppi refund

  11. Suniverse says:

    I always ALWAYS ALWAYS!! get a cart. Even when I go in for one thing. Because I am lazy and surly and usually end up with more than one thing, plus I like to use the cart to hold myself up and steady when dealing with the vortex of horror that is the grocery store.
    Suniverse recently posted..I’m not the only one

  12. WilyGuy says:

    How long before they put the ergo handles on those stupid shopping baskets? They won’t nest for poop after that, but imagine if they didn’t Wang into your leg every other moment.

    WG
    WilyGuy recently posted..HOW TO: All Time Top 10 on Blogspot

  13. Stephanie says:

    You’re solving problems. This is how the world changes…creative people get sick of something and set out to change it. I think that kind of makes you a hero.
    Stephanie recently posted..Stand Up And Be Counted

  14. Amy says:

    I myself am the queen of what my mother liked to call “the lazy man’s load.” Seems to me a lazy man wouldn’t be trying to carry a whole bunch of shit at one time at ALL, but there’s no talking to that woman.
    Amy recently posted..The Apartment that Wasn’t

  15. Jen35 says:

    I think you need to bring your own bag when you visit that place, And for your second time put that market in your bag and transfer in your house..”)
    Jen35 recently posted..income protection insurance

  16. Baskets are so in convenient – lugging them up and down the aisles, manoeuvring them out of the way of other people’s baskets – GAH! Why don’t the confront this whole basket issue? I’d be all up for having a pouch instead.
    Jo and the Novelist recently posted..Why my attempts at being confident make me feel like a knobhead

  17. Rob R says:

    Hmmm, since I do all the food shopping in my house, I might like a little silly walking around with a baby carrier looking like an overstuffed kangaroo…but I like the concept.
    Rob R recently posted..A Republican Wet Dream About Birth Control

  18. min says:

    what no cart? You are totally missing the free ride back to your car/bus stop!

  19. Shy says:

    Its really great to have your own personal basket in order to gain the satisfaction you want for…
    Shy recently posted..Oven repairs Melbourne

  20. Vivian says:

    I think your cleaning idea is brilliant.

    We all avoid baskets because after decades of super markets they still have not figured out how to make those things not weigh a ton. Carry them even without groceries is a strain and there will always only be about 3 of those basket trolleys in a supermarket with 100 baskets.
    Vivian recently posted..Future Psychotic Parents

  21. Lizbeth says:

    I see nothing wrong with any of your solutions. With a kangaroo pouch the possibilities are endless. ENDLESS.
    Lizbeth recently posted..Somebody take me out back and shoot me, would you?

  22. Sabinnah says:

    This actually happened to me all the time…
    Sabinnah recently posted..Best User Guide for iPad

  23. erica says:

    Ah! I’m so glad I found you! I think about torching my office on a regular basis. Also, I usually have the reverse problem at the store. I get a big cart for a pack of gum and then feel ridiculous waiting in the check out line.

  24. Charrmagn says:

    I love the ideas you have shared to us and I hope you can update your site…
    Charrmagn recently posted..oasis elias

  25. Handflapper says:

    And that’s why I’m bringing the fanny pack back. Others have scoffed, but you wait and see. That shit is totally happening.
    Handflapper recently posted..Things I think about while peeing in the shower. What? Don’t judge me before you even read the damn thing.

  26. Gerardo says:

    OMG! This is me…Every time I go to grocery store just plan to buy one bottle of milk or some bread ended by two full bags of snacks and drinks. But it never occurred to me to sew a kangaroo pouch. You are so brilliant and funny!
    Gerardo recently posted..Natural Ways for Male Yeast Infection

  27. Kendall – even better than a pouch…wear an exceptionally large pair of granny panties over your jeans. Then you can stuff your items in the front as well as back.
    SHOPPING DONE.
    Her Ace in the Hole recently posted..gawd. fine.

  28. MOV says:

    I hope it went through, did my comment go through? It didn’t pop up. Dang. It was funny. You will have to take my word for it.

    Maybe it went through? Maybe it is on a time-lapse delay, like the photography thing where you see someone plant a seed and then it grows into a big tree? Maybe my previous (profound and deeply moving) comment is growing somewhere (not here) into a bigger and better comment?

    I just thought I would check. But I am not obsessive or anything, not at all. Just so you know. Nope, not me. No. Maybe a tad. Not really.

    best,
    MOV
    ps– if that other first comment does show up and is not very funny after all, it is totally not my fault. It is the time-lapse photograpy’s fault.
    MOV recently posted..777. Queen Virgo Owns 12 Journals

  29. MOV says:

    Okay, now I see the first comment I wrote really did not through after all. So I will try to re-type it from memory, but I know this will cause my brain to ache, but here goes:

    blah blah blah, great blog post, blah blah, you are my heroin, or is that heroine? ha ha ha laughs at own joke, blah blah, I use the little Barbie grocery basket but reject the big daddy cart even though I need it because it is of course much smarter to break your elbow off from carrying 2 gallons of milk, an economy-sized cat litter, and a case of wine. Yeah, that means you win.

    Your humor is just like mine, blah blah, are we long-lost twins (but you are prettier and I am the one people say, “But she kinda has a good personality and she is a pretty good speler!” that speler part might be a lie), anyway you might like this silly post I wrote a while back, please read it and laugh. It is also mentions the grocery basket thing:

    http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com/2012/01/647-welcome-to-virgopolous.html

    Hope you laugh. Once. A pity laugh.

    best,
    MOV
    http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com

    DAMN TIME LAPSE PHOTOGRAPHY RUNING EVERYTHING
    MOV recently posted..777. Queen Virgo Owns 12 Journals

  30. I try not to get a basket. But sometimes I get a trolley as I think oh well I only need a bit, but I end up filling it. Which is what they want! I hate falling for their tricks!

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