Before I fell in love with the Internet and got a blog of my very own, my interactions with the web were primarily utilitarian.
In my last life (as a working professional), I only got to hang out with the Internet sparingly and/or in case of emergencies. Like: “Tell me I have cancer, WebMD” or “When do I hyphenate bitch devil, AP Style? (Answer: When it is a compound modifier. Such as, “Get that bitch-devil blender out of here before it eats the rest of the children.”)
These days, my play dates with the Internet are more like an endless slumber party, where I gladly fall down a rabbit hole of weird and wonderful thrice daily. However, back in the day, I didn’t have time to mess around. My visits to the web were quick and to the point.
What I’m trying to say is that: I know what it’s like to need answers from the Internet. Fast. I also know how annoying it can be to Google something and come up short.
So you can imagine my HORROR when a quick check to my analytics revealed that I was standing in the way of people and the information they actually needed.
Since I have the platform (thanks to myself–and may I just say: Good going, self), I’d like to go ahead and extend an apology to the following people…
To the person that Googled “what happens if pregnant woman drink bleach”:
I’m super sorry that I didn’t have any survival tips for you.
I hope that your search was merely speculative and that you are not even pregnant or in possession of bleach. But, in the event that you are pregnant and drinking bleach, please stay calm and call a poison hotline (and stop playing with household toxins, because that shit will kill you.)
Love, The Mrs
To the gentleman (yeah, I’m pretty sure a guy was responsible for this one) that Googled “bowl of cereal alcoholic drink”:
You, sir, are a genius. And I would like to request an invitation to your next party.
Regrettably, I have no recipes to assist you. I do, however, have a tragic cooking story that ends in me binge drinking vodka and eating cereal. I assume that’s how we were accidentally connected.
Oh! Here’s something I just made up: Cheerios, Kahlua, Vodka, milk. You can call it a Mrs White Russian (Now with more Cheerios!)
Sparkles! The Mrs
I wasn’t really sure what to think of this next one, but I do want to say a few things. So, person who Googled this:
I think your friends are probably not trying to kill you.
However, a few self-defense classes never hurt anyone.
Stay safe (and keep passing open windows!), The Mrs
And finally, we’ve come to the most puzzling search yet…
To the person that Googled “puffins” and found me:
I feel like I owe you the biggest apology of all. Because there are no puffins on my website. There never have been.
There are vampire squid…
But no puffins.
Here’s why I feel the worst about this: I imagine some poor, run-down parent, finding out at the eleventh hour that their kid has a project on puffins due tomorrow.
Said parent Googles his little heart out, and stumbles upon my nonsense.
So, tired parent, I have a surprise for you:
IT’S A PUFFIN!
Because drawing a puffin took a lot of time, I didn’t have any time to research many facts on puffins. Instead I made a few up (I’m sorry and you’re welcome):
1. Puffins are mostly nocturnal.
2. Puffins love to eat orange Sour Patch Kids.
3. Despite their obvious differences, puffins and vampire squid are BFFs.
To recap: poor parent and everyone else Google tricked into visiting my site: I couldn’t be more sorry.
Let’s still be friends!
Unicorns and hand grenades!
The Mrs
UPDATE
Earlier today, Little Big expressed her concern over a lost opportunity, regarding Bill Maher (who happens to appear in my analytics thanks, I assume, to the vampire squid post.)
Since she used the magic word: Shenanigans! I decided to update this post to include Bill Maher.
Unfortunately, I don’t really like Bill Maher, so I’ve decided to re-write science a little.
Remember when I said that vampire squid are non-threatening to humans? Turns out that’s true of all humans EXCEPT Bill Maher.
33 Responses to I’m sorry I didn’t draw a puffin until just now (UPDATED)
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Oh, you crack me up.
I got a google search for PineSol.
PineSol? Hmmm. That will never happen here. Even Google knows I’m a domestic disgrace.
When you originally said puffin, I really thought it was going to be a picture of Hateyouprobably’s pancake muffin puffins.
Sorry to disappoint. I don’t know anything about her pancake muffins. Never seen one.
These are awesome! I’ve had a few weird search terms bring people to my site (“sucking girl” was the most flattering) but nothing like this. Fabulous.
On another note, did you know that one of your archives is marked February 1959? But it goes to a March post (that’s coming up blank for me)? Is that intentional? Is it a weird interweb glitch? I must know.
YAY! I’m super thrilled that you like.
And yes, I did know that there is a post in my archives marked Feb 1959. It is intentional. I posted something dumb and then banished it to another place in time. The post isn’t blank. It’s a link. Click on it. (You’ll see why it was banished. Sorry to peak your curiosity over something so silly.)
I love you so hard right now, it would be illegal in several states. For real.
You just made my day. Let’s be friends forever.
Hysterical! I have scratched my head over this as well. My latest was “greasy skalp”–yes, you read that correctly, scalp with a “k.”
Greasy skalp?!?! That’s a good one. Because it’s funny, misspelled and graphic. A triple threat!
I’m with VerbVixen, I was totally expecting a pancake muffin! Now if you’ll excuse me, my bowl of Mrs. White Russian awaits.
AMo
Enjoy your Mrs White Russian!
If you want to see a pancake muffin, you’ll have to take it up with HateYouProbably.
All of this is awesome, but I have to say you missed an opportunity to give us a drawing of Bill Maher. I CALL SHENANIGANS.
RATS! Now I wish I could send you a picture of Bill Maher. The truth: I kind of hate him and would burst into flames trying to draw him, because I think he’s so terrible.
Hold on a second. I’m going to make this right.
This is hilarious.
Seriously, sometimes Google baffles me, although most of the time it just saves my life and makes me laugh. But yes, obviously puffins and vampire squids are BFF
They’re BFFs that have slumber parties that baffle science.
I’m definitely feeling more at peace with the universe now.
Oh good.
Hey girl hey.
Do glad I left my world for a minute to come over here and LAUGH MY ASS OFF. Thanks for being the jelly to my peanut butter. I love you to the moon and back.
I love you, too, gorg!
I need to watch more nature programs. In my head a puffin was a cereal product of some sort resembling Rice Krispies. WTF is wrong with me? Answer: When my mom was pregnant, she drank bleach.
Your apologies to the searchers is not necessary, but very hilarious. No one could possibly be upset with Google for bringing them here!
I’m going to laugh at this comment for the rest of the day. Thank you!
You’re prettier. No, you’re prettier.
Both wrong.
I’m prettier.
And you’re funnier, Mrs.
You’re right. So right.
I nearly wet by britches just now. I hate Bill Maher so I’m THRILLED that the Vampire Squid hates him too.
It was a pretty pleasing twist of fate for me, too. I especially loved the way Bill cried about losing an arm. Take your mutilating injury like a man, Bill!
Related: Dear HBO, I am not insane. I swear. Love, The Mrs
You are winning at life.
Oh-Emm-Gee! This is the best post ever! I just wrote a similar thing on my search hits and no way was it this funny. Granted I did have some bizzare results…
Thanks fro the laugh!
Crystal
I definitely need to set up google analytics – because this is hilarious!
Awesome post. I laughed out loud. Those are great!
I think you’re forgetting to give the shout out to the person who was looking for ‘cake “down my pants”‘. Because, wow.
I hate Bill Maher so I’m THRILLED that the Vampire Squid hates him too. In my head a puffin was a cereal product of some sort resembling Rice Krispies. I swear.