Before I fell in love with the Internet and got a blog of my very own, my interactions with the web were primarily utilitarian.

In my last life (as a working professional), I only got to hang out with the Internet sparingly and/or in case of emergencies. Like: “Tell me I have cancer, WebMD” or “When do I hyphenate bitch devil, AP Style? (Answer: When it is a compound modifier. Such as, “Get that bitch-devil blender out of here before it eats the rest of the children.”)

These days, my play dates with the Internet are more like an endless slumber party, where I gladly fall down a rabbit hole of weird and wonderful thrice daily. However, back in the day, I didn’t have time to mess around. My visits to the web were quick and to the point.

What I’m trying to say is that: I know what it’s like to need answers from the Internet. Fast. I also know how annoying it can be to Google something  and come up short.

So you can imagine my HORROR when a quick check to my analytics revealed that I was standing in the way of people and the information they actually needed.

Since I have the platform (thanks to myself–and may I just say: Good going, self), I’d like to go ahead and extend an apology to the following people…

To the person that Googled “what happens if pregnant woman drink bleach”:

I’m super sorry that I didn’t have any survival tips for you.

I hope that your search was merely speculative and that you are not even pregnant or in possession of bleach. But, in the event that you are pregnant and drinking bleach, please stay calm and call a poison hotline (and stop playing with household toxins, because that shit will kill you.)

Love, The Mrs

To the gentleman (yeah, I’m pretty sure a guy was responsible for this one) that Googled “bowl of cereal alcoholic drink”:

You, sir, are a genius. And I would like to request an invitation to your next party.

Regrettably, I have no recipes to assist you. I do, however, have a tragic cooking story that ends in me binge drinking vodka and eating cereal. I assume that’s how we were accidentally connected.

Oh! Here’s something I just made up: Cheerios, Kahlua, Vodka, milk. You can call it a Mrs White Russian (Now with more Cheerios!)

Sparkles! The Mrs

I wasn’t really sure what to think of this next one, but I do want to say a few things. So, person who Googled this:

I think your friends are probably not trying to kill you.

However, a few self-defense classes never hurt anyone.

Stay safe (and keep passing open windows!), The Mrs

And finally, we’ve come to the most puzzling search yet…

To the person that Googled “puffins” and found me:

I feel like I owe you the biggest apology of all. Because there are no puffins on my website. There never have been.

There are vampire squid…

But no puffins.

Here’s why I feel the worst about this: I imagine some poor, run-down parent, finding out at the eleventh hour that their kid has a project on puffins due tomorrow.

Said parent Googles his little heart out, and stumbles upon my nonsense.

So, tired parent, I have a surprise for you:

IT’S A PUFFIN!

Because drawing a puffin took a lot of time, I didn’t have any time to research many facts on puffins. Instead I made a few up (I’m sorry and you’re welcome):

1. Puffins are mostly nocturnal.

2. Puffins love to eat orange Sour Patch Kids.

3. Despite their obvious differences, puffins and vampire squid are BFFs.

To recap: poor parent and everyone else Google tricked into visiting my site: I couldn’t be more sorry.

Let’s still be friends!

Unicorns and hand grenades!

The Mrs

UPDATE

Earlier today, Little Big expressed her concern over a lost opportunity, regarding Bill Maher (who happens to appear in my analytics thanks, I assume, to the vampire squid post.)

Since she used the magic word: Shenanigans! I decided to update this post to include Bill Maher.

Unfortunately, I don’t really like Bill Maher, so I’ve decided to re-write science a little.

Remember when I said that vampire squid are non-threatening to humans? Turns out that’s true of all humans EXCEPT Bill Maher.