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bear suits make everything better

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Editor’s note: This is probably not the best day to start reading my blog, so if you’re new, I’m sorry. The wheels kind of came off the bus on this one.

I don’t even know where to start.

People are ridiculous. It’s probably an awesome ridiculous, though, because someone found my site by searching this:

Which is my new favorite sentence, because I’m pretty sure every situation gets better when you say “fuck your shit I’m in a bear suit.”

Like, the day you buy a bear suit.

Your first day of work.

Your last day of work, which will most likely be about 5 minutes after you show up dressed as a bear, because bear suits maybe aren’t business casual.

The day your girlfriend decides to break up with you, because you lost your job and you won’t take off your bear suit.

Even the day you realize most of your life has unraveled because you’re in a bear suit will definitely get a little better when you say:

You could be thinking: Kendall. This literally makes no sense.

To which I would respond: Skeptical reader, you might be right. I accidentally ~~stabbed~~ cut my finger earlier today while I was cooking, and I’ve been a little delirious with a combination of blood loss and the trauma of almost having to face the world without all of my digits. (Maybe the cut wasn’t that bad, but I seriously hope I never get stabbed to death because that shit was painful.)

But the surprising delight of “fuck your shit I’m in a bear suit” won’t seem so absurd when you’re unarmed and dressed as a bear during the zombie apocalypse.

Because being unarmed in a zombie apocalypse? That’s what would be really absurd. And anyway, who doesn’t look for a little comic relief just before their brains are devoured by zombies?

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it’s time to check yourselves, bears

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Over the weekend, news outlets were reporting that a black bear was captured in some lady’s backyard after several sightings in Virginia Beach, where the bear had apparently wandered around for several days.

To the surprise of Virginia Beach residents, the bear spent nearly a week romping around the area and scaring the shit out of people.

Which leads me to this…

Dear bears,

I’m sick of hearing about you roaming around, stealing from hikers and turning up where you’re uninvited. You’re arrogant and entitled, going where you want, doing as you please, taking what you like; but I’m not impressed.

You need to stop acting so smug, bears. You’re homeless.

There. I said it.

Maybe you inspired fear once, but from where I’m sitting, these days, you’re just lazy freeloaders. Everyone is always acting like you should be feared and respected. But you continue to destroy your reputation with this disgraceful behavior, and I can’t respect that.

For fuck’s sake, bears, pull it together. You’re embarrassing yourselves.

What kind of predators are you, anyway? I don’t see sharks rolling up to neighborhood garbage cans for dinner. That’s not intimidating!

And all that time you spend sleeping in the woods…

No one’s afraid of chronic nappers. Where’s your ambition?

What’s next? A hobo camp under a bridge?

Here’s some tough love, bears: It’s time to get your shit together.

You have so much potential, but you’re throwing it all away. You’re supposed to be super-intimidating, master hunters. Not aimless drifters.

The world expects so much more of you, and I think it’s time for you to act accordingly.

I’m not a bear life coach. But I’m not even sure such a thing exists, so I’m going to step in with some advice.

It’s never too late to get your lives back on track. Set some goals, bears. Get a resume together.

I’ll even help get you started.

Objective: To eat and sleep

Special skills: Sharp claws; ability to run fast; deceptively cute and especially deadly

Enemies: Wolves, humans and heat

Education: None

Hobbies: Fishing and listening to Harry Belafonte (I improvised that last one, but occasionally, employers like to know personal details about you.)

Now, buy yourself a suit. Nothing fancy, just something that says: “Hey, world! I’m on a fucking rampage.”