Here is the hazard of owning an e-mail address: increased exposure to stupidity. Mass e-mails are terrible, but those who respond to mass e-mails with “reply all” are the worst. Without exception, when one person uses “reply all”, he is inviting others to respond in kind to complain, question and otherwise perpetuate the mutant e-mail chain over several hours until it has grown to 20+ new e-mails; each message more loathsome than the last.
This has to stop.
Being included in a bad “reply all” e-mail chain is like trying to swim the backstroke through a sea of drowning cats. Don’t get sad. These cats won’t die; they refuse to die. They just keep dragging you back into a mess of claws and FWD:Re:RE:re: messages as you struggle to swim beyond them. This clumsy, mixed metaphor is my way of saying that “reply all” buttons are dangerous and should be erased from every e-mail program on earth and in space.
When just one person uses the “reply all” button to share information that doesn’t specifically apply to each recipient, we all lose; e-mail inboxes become bloated, people get angry and confused, and it probably even makes orphans cry. Like those really sad orphans from the 1930s? The ones in black and white pictures who didn’t have shoes? Yeah, I bet “reply all” probably even hurts them. I’m not clear on the specifics of how, but I think it has something to do with a flux capacitor. Why would anyone want to make orphans from the past cry? Why are you ruining time travel for the rest of us? What kind of monster are you?
Because I want to be part of the solution, I’ve created the simple instructions below to help eradicate “reply all” abuse.
Nothing cuts through the red tape of bureaucracy like the razor-sharp teeth of a great white shark!
Sharks are great motivators.
Looking for that extra incentive your employees need to stay focused? Well, look no further.
Sharks can improve employees’ health.
Does your company have a wellness program? Well, being chased by sharks is great cardio! Imagine how quickly your employees will be whipped into shape while swimming away from sharks in a freshly chummed tank.
Onsite fitness centers are all the rage these days, and think of the money your company will save in health insurance costs as employees burn those pounds swimming for their lives*! (*Life insurance claims may increase.)
Sharks will speed up your approval processes.
Hate lapsed deadlines? Can’t get your projects approved on time? Sharks can help!
Sharks can help with team-building.
Stop wasting money on employee workshops that promote teamwork, because nothing brings people together like surviving a life-threatening experience. The next time someone falls head first into the shark tank, encourage your employees to fish him out.
Sharks will boost morale.
Because every day that you don’t die between the jaws of a powerful predator is a great day.
Sharks in the workplace are sure to be the next big trend. Because when you’re working with sharks, you’re not just working like it’s your job. You’re working like your life depends on it.
Editor’s note: This is probably not the best day to start reading my blog, so if you’re new, I’m sorry. The wheels kind of came off the bus on this one.
I don’t even know where to start.
People are ridiculous. It’s probably an awesome ridiculous, though, because someone found my site by searching this:
Which is my new favorite sentence, because I’m pretty sure every situation gets better when you say “fuck your shit I’m in a bear suit.”
Like, the day you buy a bear suit.
Your first day of work.
Your last day of work, which will most likely be about 5 minutes after you show up dressed as a bear, because bear suits maybe aren’t business casual.
The day your girlfriend decides to break up with you, because you lost your job and you won’t take off your bear suit.
Even the day you realize most of your life has unraveled because you’re in a bear suit will definitely get a little better when you say:
You could be thinking: Kendall. This literally makes no sense.
To which I would respond: Skeptical reader, you might be right. I accidentally stabbed cut my finger earlier today while I was cooking, and I’ve been a little delirious with a combination of blood loss and the trauma of almost having to face the world without all of my digits. (Maybe the cut wasn’t that bad, but I seriously hope I never get stabbed to death because that shit was painful.)
But the surprising delight of “fuck your shit I’m in a bear suit” won’t seem so absurd when you’re unarmed and dressed as a bear during the zombie apocalypse.
Because being unarmed in a zombie apocalypse? That’s what would be really absurd. And anyway, who doesn’t look for a little comic relief just before their brains are devoured by zombies?
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