The Problem?

People don’t understand how to behave in movie theaters.

Here’s a map of every movie theater. Ever.

Why there are not more random acts of violence in movie theaters I will never know.

The Solution?


Case closed.

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21 Responses to how to improve movie theaters…with catapults

  1. Lauren says:

    I experienced that very same thing on Saturday night. Hubs and I went to see HP in 3D and the chick in front of me kept talking to her “date” whilst the guy behind me kept kneeing the back of my chair and the guy next to me kept dropping his popcorn onto me while trying to shovel it into his mouth!

    I so wish I had a catapult then!

  2. Bill says:

    So so so many things can be improved with catapults.

  3. OMG…I seriously hate the guy who brings his baby to see Saw IV. How am I supposed to enjoy Jigsaw’s traps if I have to worry about how much therapy that child is going to need? How, I ask?

  4. Lisa says:

    Please install one of these in my cinema in Enfield, London, England. Much appreciated.

  5. KAREN says:

    Hell to tha yeah! The talking drives me insane. When the movie is on, shut the hell up!!! I am not above telling people to shut the hell up or getting a manager, especially when it’s the damn preteens sitting and giggling, whispering during the whole thing. A catapult would make it SOOOOOOO much easier!

  6. Elise says:

    Do you know how often I have wanted a catapult? Not just in movie theaters (which, yes! this! all of this!), but also for the obnoxious people who stop by my desk and lean for a half hour while I’m trying to work (read: catch up on my feedreader). Also for bad drivers and stupid people in grocery stores… How quickly can you make this happen?

  7. You have no idea how much I would love a catapult for “person that sounds like a garbage disposal full of rocks when chewing”

    Biggest pet peeve. Blech.

    I am all for catapults!

  8. Eliza says:

    Don’t forget the people who get in fistfights at the movies. (This actually happened when I was in college many moons ago. We went to see Scream 72.4, and about halfway through the movie, this scene unfolds in front of us silhouetted by the movie screen.
    Guy #1 asked Guy #2, who was seated about 4 seats to his right to quit talking loudly back at the screen.
    Guy #2: snide retort.
    Guy #1: blah blah blah bring it.
    Guy #2: oh no you didn’t! blah blah

    Guy #2 attempts to punch Guy #1 but misses.
    Guy #1 punches Guy #2 and sends one of his teeth flying through the air like a little silhouetted chiclet.
    They continue to scuffle until the lights come up and we find out that Guy #2 is actually a very large, very deep voiced middle aged WOMAN! Chick was ticked , and she and her friends were escorted from the theater but not before they searched on hands and knees for Mrs. Guy #2’s flying tooth.

    All that to say, catapults could have saved Mrs. Guy’s tooth. Save the teeth, people!

    Guy #2

  9. VerbVixen says:

    Have I told you today that you’re my favorite? Cause you totally are.

  10. I love you, and that is all.

  11. Suniverse says:


    Every time you post, I get a tickly fun feeling inside me.

    Also, if you go to the first matinee showing of any movie on a weekend day, not only is it just $5, BUT most of those people aren’t there. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to eat popcorn at 9:30am, but you do what you gotta do.

  12. Ryan says:

    This is the very reason why I’ve stopped going to most movies. It seems no one has any courtesy or common sense anymore. If only more theaters were like the Alamo Drafthouse. Zero tolerance, and they will kick you out if you talk/text/etc.

  13. blondie says:

    Could I please add the person who is much more interested in taking phone calls and texting during the movie?

    By the way, just found your blog. It is Tony-the-Tiger GREEAAATTT!

  14. Alexandra says:

    Oh, man, you make everything funny.

    What about the loud talkers?

    What about the teens on their brightly lit phones texting during the whole movie.
    What about the make out couples?

    I’m so perfect in the theatre, you’d love to sit

  15. Luna says:

    Oh dear God yes. The guy with the cologne follows me around, I’m sure of it. Gives me migraines. I’d like to catapult him off a skyscraper.

    Also, there’s always someone who has gas. Always.

  16. A couple of us went to see Star Trek and there were people who had most definitely taken crack sitting next to us. They were crazy and loud and when we moved seats they through popcorn at us. They jabbered incoherent shit all the way through the movie, and when it was over, they were still talking. Cinemas + crackheads = minimal film enjoyment. Fact.

  17. jack says:

    Theres also the guy who drinks to much during the movie and has to leave to go to the toilet and comes back……then goes out a little later and comes back…..and then again. It completely ruins the movie!!!

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