Here’s something I didn’t see coming when I started blogging: How much time I would spend deleting spam comments.

For those of you not familiar with spam comments, let me briefly explain the phenomenon: Every night, when bloggers go to bed, spam fairies (see: hideous robots) troll the Internet sprinkling the comment sections of blogs with nonsense.

Here is a questionable rendering of what that looks like:

Yes. The Internet is a magical place.

I typically dispose of spam without much thought, but earlier this week, I received something that demanded to be acknowledged.

It wasn’t the garbled words that caught my attention or the fact that I felt like I was trying to read a romance novel ghostwritten through a collaboration between a cat running across a keyboard and auto-correct.

What stopped me from immediately deleting the spam comment was…

“Lonely elske musical singles dating.” A musical dating service, I thought. I want to see that! Naturally, the link sent me directly to porn. (Fooled me again, spam!)

But after I closed the browsers leading me to the red-light district, I was still dying to see what a musical dating service would look like.

Sure, I’m married, but given our American-Idol-Glee-Karaoke-happy country, a musical dating service might be the best idea spam has ever had. And since you aren’t capitalizing on the idea, spam, I would like to formally announce my plans to open a musical dating service.

Here’s how I propose it will work: First, I will dump the “lonely elske” part, because it depresses the shit out of me. My service will just be known as “Musical Singles Dating”.

And rather than taking a quiz or uploading a profile to a website–where you await winks and jabs and pokes, or however that works–all you have to do is send me a video of yourself singing your favorite song into a hairbrush*.

And weighing factors–like your ability to hear and mimic tone, and your use of jazz hands–I will match you with your musical equivalent.

You guys! I’m going to be rich! Who’s getting the last laugh now, spam?!

*Unfortunately, I am unable to accept applications from people whose favorite song is “Step-By-Step”, by New Kids on the Block. Research has shown that if this is your favorite song–regardless of who you are matched with–before your second date, you will be crouched in the bushes of your match’s home, using binoculars made out of old toilet paper rolls to spy on her.

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23 Responses to you’ve really outdone yourself this time, spam

  1. Firefly says:

    This is genious!

  2. And you’ve really outdone yourself 21st Century Mrs. Love this!

    I reckon when you get spam like you did, you’ve hit the big time. I’m awaiting my first spam comment eagerly. Also, great fodder for a post eh?

  3. HeathRobots says:

    Best. Idea. Ever. I feel like no girl would stand a chance if HYP were to sign up with a service like this though. She really excels at the performance videos.

    Can I tell you how much I love the Spam Robot Fairy? It look like what I imagine a PMuff-HeathRobots hybrid would look like.

  4. Handflapper says:

    Oh, those sneaky, sneaky, spam comments. I got one the other day that actually made sense and was highly complimentary, so of course I was loathe to think it could be spam. The website url seemed kind of sketch, though, and of course led me straight to porn. You are more than entitled to profit from any idea spam might have encouraged.

    PS I am so new to blogging, when I saw your title, instead of those pesky nonsensical comments we get, I first thought this post was about the canned meat product. Now *that* Spam. . . . Mmmmmmm. . .

  5. Lonely elske says:

    I feel so…. unwanted.


  6. Jessica says:

    Gotta love that spam fairy.

    It’s a good thing I’m married because Step by Step is my favorite song and according the research I will be a creeper.

  7. Meg says:

    Frickin’ Brilliant…You could get karoke clubs across the nation to sponser it and run ads on the site…you would make more than millions. Oh, I can see the late night infomercials now…
    Oh, and totally right with the step-by-step song…fun for a bunch of drunk college girls or frat boys performing for college girls, not so much anywhere else.

  8. Kelly says:

    I’ve been giving this some serious consideration (read: 1.5 minutes), and I have decided that my Karaoke Dating Song will be Smells Like Teen Spirit, shrieked at the top of my lungs. Also, I’ll be crying.

  9. Dana K says:

    LOL I would totally sing “Why Don’t We Get Drunk & Screw.” works every time.

  10. This post has everything I could ever want:
    1. A guy singing the Bell Biv DeVoe
    2. A PMuff/Heathrobots lovechild
    3. The word “Elske”
    Bravo, Mrs. Bravo.

  11. Rochelle says:

    LMBO You are hilarious!!!

  12. Suniverse says:

    Every. Fucking. Time.

    You kill me.

    You’re a genius.

    Now, in case the husband, you know, dies [god forbid] or we divorce [. . . ], I’d like to be part of this. My song is Tupac’s California Lovin’.

    Match me up, bitches!

  13. What about Sting’s Every Step You Take? If you got that submission, I’d be a little worried on the stalk-o-meter.

  14. FranceRants says:

    Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
    Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
    Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam.
    Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
    Spam spam spam spam!

    If not for spammity-spam, your ability to meld spam and online dating, with song and Goody hair accessories, may have never been born!

  15. Alexandra says:

    Oh, man,

    you make me laugh out loud.

  16. Carrie says:

    I really, really, really enjoy the cat typing/auto-correct collaboration bit. You have a spark, my dear, you truly do!

  17. Kelley says:

    This is HILARIOUS! I know every single word of all three of those songs! If I wasn’t legally and permanently hooked up with my dude, I’d totally use that musical dating service. My song? Too Legit.

  18. avaiar says:

    Step-by-Step is my favorite song.

    *Runs to hide binoculars made of toilet paper rolls used for creeping.

  19. Carrie says:

    just got this spam comment on our site, which I thought you would enjoy:
    Wow!! I adore what you are doing! I will need to relook at screen toaster! Informative and interesting submit!!! maintain it up..

    • the mrs says:

      Screen toaster! That rivals the spam I got last week suggesting tips on how to fool carbon dating…

  20. Hi, I have been become a regular reader of your blog. I have given you an award. The Versatile Blogger Award. Please collect your award at

    You are just so spectacularly witty! I love this post.

  21. Marisol Phelps says:

    Match me up, bitches! It look like what I imagine a PMuff-HeathRobots hybrid would look like. Step-by-Step is my favorite song. Oh, and totally right with the step-by-step song…fun for a bunch of drunk college girls or frat boys performing for college girls, not so much anywhere else.

  22. Shannon says:

    Just found you via bloggess. Hooked.

    Genius idea. If you ever discover a real musical dating service, PLEASE let me know. My dear father (aka Niel Diamond’s doppelgänger) really needs it. Sweet guys with thin wallets everywhere need it.

    Thanks for the treats. You made my insomnia much less aggravating today. Sorry for the funky spelling. I suspect my iPad failed 4th grade spelling worse than I did.

    Best wishes.

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