Over the weekend, news outlets were reporting that a black bear was captured in some lady’s backyard after several sightings in Virginia Beach, where the bear had apparently wandered around for several days.
To the surprise of Virginia Beach residents, the bear spent nearly a week romping around the area and scaring the shit out of people.
Which leads me to this…
Dear bears,
I’m sick of hearing about you roaming around, stealing from hikers and turning up where you’re uninvited. You’re arrogant and entitled, going where you want, doing as you please, taking what you like; but I’m not impressed.
You need to stop acting so smug, bears. You’re homeless.
There. I said it.
Maybe you inspired fear once, but from where I’m sitting, these days, you’re just lazy freeloaders. Everyone is always acting like you should be feared and respected. But you continue to destroy your reputation with this disgraceful behavior, and I can’t respect that.
For fuck’s sake, bears, pull it together. You’re embarrassing yourselves.
What kind of predators are you, anyway? I don’t see sharks rolling up to neighborhood garbage cans for dinner. That’s not intimidating!
And all that time you spend sleeping in the woods…
No one’s afraid of chronic nappers. Where’s your ambition?
What’s next? A hobo camp under a bridge?
Here’s some tough love, bears: It’s time to get your shit together.
You have so much potential, but you’re throwing it all away. You’re supposed to be super-intimidating, master hunters. Not aimless drifters.
The world expects so much more of you, and I think it’s time for you to act accordingly.
I’m not a bear life coach. But I’m not even sure such a thing exists, so I’m going to step in with some advice.
It’s never too late to get your lives back on track. Set some goals, bears. Get a resume together.
I’ll even help get you started.
Objective: To eat and sleep
Special skills: Sharp claws; ability to run fast; deceptively cute and especially deadly
Enemies: Wolves, humans and heat
Education: None
Hobbies: Fishing and listening to Harry Belafonte (I improvised that last one, but occasionally, employers like to know personal details about you.)
Now, buy yourself a suit. Nothing fancy, just something that says: “Hey, world! I’m on a fucking rampage.”
See how sharp you look?
I hope you’re listening, bears. It’s time to grow up.
15 Responses to it’s time to check yourselves, bears
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You are so completely right. Bears have become “Fat Elvis”. I know if I were a bear, I would have been inspired by this post… one can only hope your message is heard.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Excellent touch with the red power tie. It really improves the overall look.
Might I suggest adding to the resume skills sections: climbing trees (depending on species), emergency medical training (see: getting head caught in honeypots), and ability to work as a team (see: stealing picnic baskets with my sidekick BooBoo).
Um hello all they need to wear is a MURDERPARTY t-shirt and everyone will be freaked the hell out.
Dying over here.
You are sensational.
I”m with DawnA…if you had had a bear with a murderparty T shirt, that ‘d be it for me. I’d be done.
Wow. It was REALLY hard to pretend that I was working while I was reading this, because my job doesn’t make me laugh, like, ever.
The Mrs: Never not funny. Bears have no reason to be smug, but you do!
I think that one hobo bear playing harmonica must have been a Country Bear Jamboree reject. How do they expect us to respect them if they are having jamborees??!! Yeesh.
Brillant. If I was a Bear I would totally hire you as a life coach. But I’d expect you to be more like a Richard Simmons type coach. With your headband, fro and short shorts. You’d cry with me as you talk about how you too use to be a gluttonous apathetic bear. You’d flash to big fat picture of a bear holding a half empty bottle of Boones Farm with lipstick smeared accross your fur. Life changing it would be, really….
Wow. You are REALLY gonna piss off the Bear Activism Lawyers with this one. And, unlike Bear Life Coaches, THEY actually exist.
I KNOW!!
I like lazy bears. I just move them over and snuggle with them on the couch. http://grumpyhair.wordpress.com/
LOVE!! Love the hobo camp! Hope that there are enough bears that read your blog and decide to get their shit together because of it! I mean all they have to do is cut and paste that resume…how hard can it be?? Lazy ass bears…
Now not only am I in awe of your writing/brilliant mind/mad arts skillz, I have to deal with the genius of your commenters.
Fuck this, I’m going bear and rummaging around in the trash in hopes of finding my dignity.
Mrs. you are hilarious. I absolutely love the bear hobo camp.
Have a great day!
I took Isobel to the Zoo yesterday and we saw a bear sleeping in a hammock. It was probably collecting unemployment, too.
I’m glad someone finally said it. Freeloaders, the lot of them. And what’s up with them being attracted to female hikers during menstruation. That shit’s messed up.
That bear needs pants.
Yes. I’m THAT person who comments on your old posts.