True story: Occasionally, I feel kind of bad for men.
I mean, I know that they’ll never have to birth a child. They typically earn more than women in the workplace. They are not nearly as socially oppressed as women. And they get to pee standing up (which–to my father’s dismay–I tried once when I was 6 or 7, because my older brother was the coolest person I knew.)
But men don’t have it easy all of the time. The Mr has paid for way more dinners than I have. If we ever have kids, I’m totally going to whip out my “I’m Staying Home FOREVER” card, and be all: “Suck on this.” Also, thanks to the magic of makeup, men literally never know what they’re coming home to.
Allow me to demonstrate.
When we first started dating, I was on my best behavior.
The Mr got a lot of…
It didn’t matter where we were. The movies. The park. I was made up like a prom queen. I even wore a little concealer to bed.
Then, as the years went on, I backed off of the eyeshadow and lipstick…
This isn’t one of those “marry me and I’ll let myself go” things. This is more of a “I can’t wear makeup to bed for the rest of my life, because I’ll ruin our sheets” thing.
And the “made-up but natural” me is the look I typically take to the grocery store or around town for the day.
But every now and then, without warning, the Mr comes home to something more like…
And it seems unfair that men, whose face-altering options are severely limited (so far, I can think of growing a beard or wearing eyeliner–Adam Lambert, Jared Leto, I’m looking at you), should be subjected to such a wide and–at times–frightening range of looks.
The Mr takes it in stride. He’s all: “You always look beautiful”, like the well-trained husband I know him to be. But seriously, y’all. Once in a blue moon, I scare the crap out of myself. So he deserves a trophy for keeping a straight face regardless of the scenery.
Because that shit ain’t right.
P.S. It has occurred to me that I have totally sucked at the Internet lately. I’ve been out of town for at least three days every week for the last month. I haven’t been able to respond to as many comments, read as many blogs or write as many posts as I would like. And I’ll make it up to you. Provided no one else dies. (I’m going to Hell. Seriously. Who says that?)
8 Responses to like a scary, mascara-less box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get
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Ahhh…the changes women go through from dating to marriage. I used to get all dressed up like that too, now I spend most of my time in my pajamas.
You are so right, I have totally fallen off of the looking good for the Hubby wagon. When I get dressed up to go and see my girl freinds he gets all jealous. I have found that he can be easily wowed by the smalest amount of eye liner on the upper lid. So with minimal effort I can get the same reaction as a full on makeup routine, so why would I both beyond that? Have a great day!
I totally say that about people dying. See you in hell – I’ll be on the Conceirge level.
Every once in a while I’ll feel bad for the husband, but then I realize how fucking awesome I am, and he totally got lucky. Or I just pretend I don’t see my Albert Einstein hair.
WE are obviously thinking along the same lines these days. This weekend I realized that I still had all of my makeup from my wedding (seven years ago!). So I marched into Sephora, showed the lady my 38 year old face and basically said: FIX it. She did. But the real question: will I actually USE the products she pushed on me? I don’t know. I hope so. I hope so.
OH, also, my husband said to my son this weekend: Augie, doesn’t mama look like Greg Allman?
Oh, I’m the natural beauty type. But, I feel for you all…who need the mascara, and stuff.
(black! are you kidding? I am a DOG sometimes…)
I don’t like the girls that eat the puppy chow. remember that one? probably not. You’re young. Which means, even when you’re ugly, you’re beautiful.
Your pictures make my day. I still get done up, mostly, to go to work but on weekends, um, not so much. I often wonder if my husband even notices. I just assume he loves me because he doesn’t comment on what my hair looks like in the morning.
The good ol’ days. You reminded me of a time so long forgotten and the nightmare that is today:) I looked like #1 for like, the first year of our marriage. The last 9 years, I look like #3 or sometimes even worse (forget about make-up, I hadn’t even showered, combed my hair, or had a chance to look in the mirror). I think I need to heed your advice pronto… Just noticed I AM looking like crap right now.