Jake, we need to talk.

Can you put that down for a second?

Listen. We’ve know each other for a long time. More than a decade.

Frankly, sometimes I can’t believe how young I was when we first met. I mean, I was only 13.

If I’m honest, I find it disturbing that you would prey on the emotions of such a young girl. So weak and naive. A better man might have recognized how fragile I was and walked away. But my age didn’t even slow you down. And I never stood a chance.

You drove into my heart in your red Porsche, with your shiny hair and your so-called appreciation for awkward girls, and I was hooked.

Cumulatively, I wasted weeks–maybe even months–daydreaming about you in school.

I’m pretty sure you’re the reason I still don’t understand Algebra, Jake!

But did the time I wasted waiting for you to show up on my front door ever bother you? Nope.

You continued to play fast and loose with my emotions. Every time I saw you, you were the same, dreamy hunk, pretending to be looking around for a girl like me.

Well, I’m finally onto you, Jake Ryan.

You’re not looking for a serious girlfriend. You’re not looking for someone who you can love. You’re just playing the role of who you think I want you to be. You’re only toying with my emotions.

I should have seen this coming when you recklessly allowed a drunk minor without a license to drive your ex-girlfriend home, but I was too distracted by your sparkly smile. I should have know better when you never even followed up on the fact that, even though you made said minor explicitly promise not to leave your ex-girlfriend in a parking lot, that was exactly where she woke up.

You’re incorrigible, Jake Ryan.

Don’t look so surprised. And I’m sick of your empty promises.

You’re never bringing me a birthday cake. You’ve never called my grandparents up in the middle of the night to ask me for a date. And if my sister ever gets married, I know you won’t be waiting outside of the church for me.

Oh, the web of lies you constructed. Like a sad little puppy following you around, I believed every word. I thought all I’d have to do to get you to notice me was to write about how I might “do it” with you and then leave the note on the floor of an empty classroom.

Tried that. Nothing doing.

And those things you said about how guys “think it’s cool” if you stare at them? No one appreciates your sarcasm, Jake.

All of that feigned insecurity? The “I hope that nerdy girl likes me” garbage you threw my way? That was the worst. Guys like you aren’t insecure about anything when they’re 18. Young. Athletic. Unspoiled by baggage. You’re m*therf#cking invincible.

What finally did us in, though, was when I found out that you’ve been stringing THOUSANDS of other girls along–many of them even younger than I was.

What the hell kind of sociopathic man whore are you?

By now, I’m sure you’ve guessed that I’m here today to end it.

And you’re right. We’re through.

But there’s more to say than that.

Every time the Mr doesn’t perform a romantic gesture, I think of you. Whenever I feel awkward and particularly unlovable, a picture of you swims across my mind. You’ve destroyed me for other men, Jake. I want an apology. I need an apology.

I know this is a gesture you’re not capable of making, something I’ll never see you do.

But you deserve to know that while I used to consider your unchanging romanticism as warm and comforting, I now see you for what you really are: a life ruiner.

Jake Ryan: I will see you in hell.

27 Responses to a conversation I’ve been meaning to have with Jake Ryan

  1. I’m NOT kidding. My sister named her son JACOB RYAN. I’m serious. I’ve been waiting waiting waiting for him to be old enough to have a frank conversation about the responsibility about being named after Jake Ryan. He’s getting there, but really, this conversation requires planning and I’m not quite ready for it. Remember how mad Jake Ryan was that all of his jock friends (who by the way looked about 47 years old) trashed his house? I was like stop being such a victim!

    • the mrs says:

      If you’re feeling generous, I’d love to see you write about that conversation when it happens. I need to know how Jake Ryan 2.0 feels about being born with such a huge amount of responsibility.

  2. 1. I so wished my brain worked this way.
    2. I want to be a successful stick-person-artist when I grow up, will you show me how?
    3. I missed this entire genre of movies until I was almost to old to appreciate them. My DH is so embarrassed by me.
    4. Girl, you need more exposure. This is pure awesomeness!

    • the mrs says:

      You’re too kind to me.

      PS There are lots of stick-figure artists that are WAY more talented than I, but I use an app on my iPad to make you these love notes 🙂 And you can too!

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mads Mom, the mrs. the mrs said: A conversation I've been meaning to have with Jake Ryan: http://bit.ly/e4aIwD (New Post) […]

  4. kadield says:

    You speak of man whores like they are bad thing! Being a man whore is pure awesome 😀

    Yours truly,
    THE man whore

    • the mrs says:

      I speak of sociopathic man whores like they are a bad thing, because it’s the sociopath that makes all the difference. You keep on keepin’ on with your man whore self 😉

  5. Meredith says:

    I’m in love with this post.

  6. fordeville says:

    Dude. You were barking up the wrong tree. This is *exactly* why Lloyd Dobler was my man in the 80s.

    • the mrs says:

      But he never played “In Your Eyes” on my front lawn, like I thought he would. PS There’s a band named after him (The Lloyd Dobler Effect). I’ve never heard their music, but I am already a huge fan.

  7. Carrie says:

    When you’re 16, you think…Oh, I’ll get over Jake Ryan. I’ll meet my Prince Charming, I’lll marry him and I’ll have kids. And then I won’t even remember who Jake Ryan is. But you’d be wrong. You never forget Jake Ryan. And that’s the sad sack sorry truth. F-U Jake Ryan! I luv u Jake Ryan. Call me? xoxo, Crazy Teen

  8. Firefly says:

    I just randomly found you and you are awesome. I am most definately your newest follower. My giflfreind wrtoe about Say Anything yesturday and now I must direct her to this beaut. Have a great day!

  9. Renee says:

    Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong at How I Met Your Father shared this post on Twitter. Loved it! So funny, & so true. I was just recently talking about a similar situation with Llyod Dobler. In fact, there’s a chapter in a book I read a few years ago all about how Lloyd ruined things for us.

    • fordeville says:

      It was the opening chapter in Chuck Klosterman’s “Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs.” I remember because I read it standing up in the book store and had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard. Plus, Lloyd Dobler was my 80s boyfriend (see comment above).

  10. Wendi says:

    I was always more of a Farmer Ted girl.

    And I think I read that Jake Ryan is a carpenter in New England now. No joke.

  11. Kelley says:

    You are hilarious! Way to let J.R. have it! If anyone asks “Who killed J.R.?”, I won’t mention you. I know you have better self-control than that.

    Loved the cartoons.

    Following you now!

  12. Colie says:

    I actually ate my birthday cake while sitting ON the table. I was 6 months pregnant but my love for Jake Ryan was that reckless. I feel like you dumped him for both of us!!! At last!!!

    Thank you!!!

  13. Minky says:

    Wow. You just burst the Jake Ryan bubble for me…I feel FREE!

  14. Lori Dyan says:

    Okay, I am a little late to this party, but had to tell you that I got the special collector’s edition of Sixteen Candles for Christmas. This year. Because I begged my husband for it. And after forcing him to watch my favourite movie of all time (he’s European and hadn’t heard of John Hughes…I’m considering a divorce…), this is all he said: “You loved the douche who pimped out his girlfriend?” Well, yes, come to think of it, I guess I did. I shall now go and burn my dvd…after I watch it one more time…maybe twice…

    • the mrs says:

      You’re only fashionably late. I’m so glad you came!

      I too own the special collector’s edition, and I love it. Just because I’ve finally broken things off with Jake doesn’t mean I can’t save a keepsake, right?

  15. Kir says:

    Um, I’m here visiting from…how the hell did I get here?????

    this , this post, GENIUS, funny and so dead on for all of us who have been ruined by Jake Ryan. OMG, I will be laughing about this by myself (looking crazy) all day. THANK YOU.

  16. Ilana says:

    I was such a cynical kid that even though I loved loved loved Sixteen Candles and watched it a billion and one times until I had the entire thing memorized, I knew it was totally unrealistic that Jake would pick Andy. KNEW IT.

  17. bob martin says:

    Well as a 42year old gay guy i can say it heasnt been any easier for us guys.Jake didnt just set the bar high he threw the damn bar out!Good-looking,rich,etc..it just doesnt end

  18. Enid Wooten says:

    PS There are lots of stick-figure artists that are WAY more talented than I, but I use an app on my iPad to make you these love notes And you can too! You are hilarious! 1. I so wished my brain worked this way.

  19. Eri says:

    This is amazing! Thank you so much! lol

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