Most of my poor life choices follow the same simple recipe:
And this story is no different. One morning, about a week after moving from Georgia to Florida, I was staring at all of the packed boxes, the unclean corners and the near-post-apocalyptic state of my house when I decided to do something very stupid.
While drinking coffee may not be a bad idea for some, for me it is the Hindenburg of bad ideas–a giant, exploding ball of “And now we’re all on fire”–because as a general rule, I don’t drink coffee. Not even decaf.
I did drink coffee once, about 10 years ago, but that special occasion ended about 11 sips after it began with me rushing to the bathroom to curl into a tight, tiny ball and cry for several hours. Incidentally, my 18-year-old body lacked the constitution required to turn coffee into energy and jumped directly to the violently-expelling-it part. (Don’t worry. That is the last mention of bathrooms in this post and possibly ever.)
But that was ten years ago, I thought, surrounded by boxes and overwhelming exhaustion. I’m different, now, and there are so many chores to do, and it doesn’t look like my dog is going to do ANY OF THEM (asshole.) Boxes need unpacking and the air conditioner filter needs replacing and someone has to go buy a shower curtain…And as the chores piled up in my mind, a vision of me drinking coffee and finishing all of the errands and unpacking in mere seconds grew larger and larger.
As someone who does not drink much caffeine at all, I can only imagine what coffee does to people, and after years of fantasizing the results, I’ve pretty much come to believe that the effect is exactly like that part in Super Mario games where Mario finds a star, and he gets to be sparkly and invincible for a brief but fantastic moment in time. 
Deciding that the reward would be nothing short of glorious and that there was no way I was going to get anything done without some low-grade crack in my system, I prepared a very small cup of coffee with a very large amount of milk and began drinking.
I sipped.
Even when, about halfway through the cup, I began to fear that this was going to end so so badly, I continued to sip.
By the time I really regretted drinking the coffee, it was too late. The coffee had consumed me.
And then…I was caffeinated.
Alternately exhilarated and terrified, I tried to decide what I would focus my super-charged energy on first.
It was a little hard to concentrate, because I felt like my hands were laughing and my heart was trying to beat out of my chest and down the street and into a nearby water reserve to chill the fuck out. But even though I was a weird, shaky, alien version of myself, I couldn’t lose track of my reason for being so. Somewhere in my brain, I remembered I had chores to do.
My coffee-bean-broken mind became fixated on the things I was supposed to buy, namely air conditioning filters and a shower curtain.
So I drove myself to Home Depot.
Trying to hide my caffeine high as I wandered into the store, I kept thinking how security would have been wise to subdue me with tranquilizer darts, but when they didn’t, I started to feel inappropriately comfortable with the space. 
It was around this time that I made contact with another human being for the first time since marinating myself in coffee.
I knew I was supposed to say something, but all I could think about was how close we were standing and how fast my heart was beating and how fragile and mortal I was and how Home Depot was the absolute wrong place to be when you’re paranoid and high on your first cup of coffee.
And so I did the only thing I could think of.
I mumbled something unintelligible, ran out of the store and went home to hide under my covers until the coffee was gone–which was around 2 a.m.
And THIS is the story I make anyone that offers me a cup of coffee sit through. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure I’m not welcome at the Starbucks down the street from my house.
31 Responses to an exercise in ill-advised behavior (alternate title: tripping balls in Home Depot)
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This is why I’m terrified to try coffee. That, and I think it tastes terrible.
I’ll stick to my soda.
I drink coffee – but two cups max. I have never had a red bull/energy drink because I’m afraid I’d start running around in circles like a kid jazzed up on k**l aid and pix*e sticks.
I only wish that coffee did the same for me. I’m beginning to worry that I’ve been drinking coffee for so long, that I’ve become immune to the effects of caffeine.
This is exactly what makes caffeine is a gateway drug.
This is the story of my entire freshman year of college. Like coffee, TaB is nobody’s friend.
I envy just how hilarious you are. You are my favorite ever. Less sleep, more drawy.
Your fans want you!
This is so bad but I wish coffee effected me like that. My love affair with coffee has gone on too long and now instead of exciting each other, we just roll over and go through the motions. *sigh*
HA!
Actually this reminds me of one of my favorite Ron Swanson moments (and truthfully I have MANY favorite Ron Swanson moments). Sorry for the crappy video quality I couldn’t find anything better….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9kbssAQd4Q
I’m addicted to coffee. It doesn’t make me productive. Maybe I will blame all my problems on coffee. If I get rid of coffee everything will be perfect right?! Please say yes…..
I drink coffee all day long. All day with nary a twich or a stutter. This is likely because I am empty inside. A sad truth, but hey, lattes are yummy.
I just wrote about the same thing, minus the seriously funny Home Depot part, in When Delightful turns into Delirious then Deluded
I’m a bit of a morning person, so caffeine is unnecessary unless someone needs something from high up, like 17th floor birds nests.
WG
I love the drawing available here…thanks for the inspiration…Great job for your post!!
OMG. I actually woke up a child laughing at this. And then he came running in wanting to see what was so funny. And now he’s back in his bed talking to himself and not sleeping. Why aren’t you famous?
Tripping balls. Off coffee. I love you.
I knew all those coffee drinkers were full of shit. Coffee is evil, looks, smells and tastes disgusting. Thanks for validating what I already knew.
It might have been traumatic for you, but gotta say, I’m a little jealous. At this point, the only way I’ll get a buzz off coffee is if I snort the grounds. #NoseCoffee
Oh my gosh, this makes my “no caffeine for me because it makes me feel like I am going to pass out excuse” sound ten times more pathetic than it already did!
Is it bad that the one thing that resonated with me (well, other than the fact that you are consistently BRILLS) is that caffeine usually leaves me in a fetal position by the toilet?
This is what caffeine does to me, too. It makes my hands jittery, and it doesn’t help me get much done. I hate the taste of coffee but have had a soda problem in the past.
Is “coffee” code for something? Just asking…
Awesome post.
What a scream. Literally. I get the same screaming-Mimis from caffeine, and know just what you experienced. But you tell it so much better! Thanks for a great laugh. Now if I can just get the swelling down on my forehead where I hit it when I fell off the chair. Maybe a caffeine compress?
You. Make. My. Heart. SING.
Like a caffeinated chihuahua.
Totally reminds me of Jesse’s caffeine wig out on Saved by the Bell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bflYjF90t7c
Awesome.
Hi, I just wanted to say that me and my boyfriend read your blog all the time and we think you’re hilarious! It makes me want to start one! Well that’s about it, keep writing, and thanks!
LOL!! I love the picture of you swirling around in the cup of coffee!! That’s just fantastic!!
Wonderful drawings and storytelling!
That is too funny. I always feel like I’m tripping balls at home improvement or other warehouse-type stores. It’s just something about warehouses.
It’s just something about warehouses. This is likely because I am empty inside. Literally.
[…] is not that blog. Read all about kendall’s first ever cup of coffee. Too funny. Incidentally, this afternoon I came to the conclusion that it is just too ridiculous […]
Are you sure that wasn’t meth?
This explains so much. So all the crazies we got at Home Depot were likely high on something, and I guess coffee makes sense.
Actually this reminds me of one of my favorite Ron Swanson moments (and truthfully I have MANY favorite Ron Swanson moments). Off coffee. Awesome post. Now if I can just get the swelling down on my forehead where I hit it when I fell off the chair.