The Financial Times and other news outlets are reporting that the 7 billionth person will be born at the end of October. And save for a few discussions about overcrowding and the continuing swell of humankind, everyone seems pretty cool with this idea. And maybe I would be, too, except for this:
The 7 billionth person is scheduled to arrive on Halloween. HALLO-FUCKING-WEEN, PEOPLE!
Based on every Wes Craven/Michael Myers/Omen/”The Call is Coming from Inside the House”/”She’s been dead for 15 years” campfire story, Stephen King novel, urban legend and major-motion-slasher picture out there, such a monumental event occurring on such a stab-happy holiday is terrifying news, and I’m a little concerned that no one else has expressed even the slightest bit of interest in our 7 billionth neighbor’s spooky birthday.
I mean. Considering it will be born on Halloween, we can’t even assume this thing’s going to be fully human.
What if this is what comes out?
Or this?
Need a closer look?
For a community that’s so concerned with the arrival of zombies, I feel like we’ve taken our eyes off of a much more real and almost-fucking-here problem.
And let’s not waste our time worrying about overcrowding. This 7 billionth monster baby might dramatically reduce our population by laying waste to everything in its path. WITH ITS MIND.
As for the website asking “What would you like the 7 billionth person to know?” and welcoming the might-be demon to the world, you know what I want this baby to know? I’m trained in krav maga, and I sleep with a knife under my pillow. What I don’t want it to know? My home address.
13 Responses to my 7 billionth concern
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I AM NOW TERRIFIED AND ON DEFCON 4!
What the hell? Why are we so complacent? Is this what Occupy Wall Street is about? Because if not, it should be.
PS I have a couple of relatives who, I swear to god, look like demon spawn. I hate seeing pictures of them because I feel like they are sending me death rays through a polaroid.
PS I love you.
this baby is definitely going to be the spawn of Satan…. the world is going to go all End of Days and fucking Schwarzenegger is too busy being an whore to help us!
The demon spawn is already here, and her name is Hellbaby. This will be something else, and something more terrifying than Hellbaby is hard to imagine, but I suppose anything’s possible. Whatever we do, we must keep them from hooking up.
Oh MY GOD you guys that 7 billion demon spawn zombie is going to mate with Hell Baby and they will destroy the world together….Fuck. I knew I should have picked up that first aid survival kit and bucket of mush at Target today.
Terrifying. I heard a “nom nom” while looking at the third and fourth images in the series of monster baby eating the planet.
7 Billion! What if it’s twins?!? Does that make it less daunting, or more?
Maybe this is the apocalypse? Maybe the zombies and that Mayan date thing were all mere distractions. Start. Panicking.
Wow. Well if the baby doom of the world is coming than there is absolutely NOTHING to keep me from eating the rest of the mini-snickers from or giant bag of Halloween candy. Thanks so much for the heads up!
FLAT FEET ARE FUCKING TERRIFYING.
I agree this is a major concern. We’ve taken our collective eyes off the ball, people!!
oh ho ho… you just made me convulse with silent laughter at my desk. not an easy task. my favorite is the last paragraph. good shit.
…My brother’s being born on Halloween. My mom’s in the hospital giving birth right now. I don’t want him to be a savage person-eating baby. D:
My son was born on this day! He will be your son when we get married.