My husband and I are in the middle of a semi-serious, baby fever Mexican standoff. We both want a baby, but I am deeply afraid of pregnancy.

Now that we’re on the subject, I’m not totally comfortable with the aftermath of having a baby, either. Suddenly, there will be a stranger roaming around my house. What if it hates me? What will we do together all day? Do babies like Netflix?

They say you’re supposed to picture the audience naked when you’re afraid to give a speech, but babies are already naked. So, what do you do when you’re afraid of them?

Here’s my favorite coping mechanism: Completely Unacceptable Household Uses for Babies

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34 Responses to five completely unacceptable household uses for babies

  1. Handflapper says:

    It’s good that you are thinking this through. I wish I had considered such outcomes before I recklessly rushed into parenthood.

  2. What a terrific coping mechanism! If I could draw, I’d do a series on how to cope WITH a baby in the house.

    What, you can’t use them as a coat rack???

  3. Firefly says:

    I love how happy baby is as a doorstop. Might I add a baby is a great excuse for not getting shit done also.
    Husband: “Hey Honey why are these dishes taking over the kitchen?”
    Me: “BABY!”
    Husband: (Walks away slowly without turning around.)

  4. Firefly is right, babies are the world’s best excuse for everything. Don’t want to bake cupcakes for an upcoming bake sale? BABY! Don’t feel like dusting for over a month? BABY! Shaving your legs too much of a chore? BABY! Actually, about that last one ….

  5. Who would EVER use a baby as a doorstop?! Haha…. certainly not me! Umm… nope… I mean, just that 1 time. Well, OK… a FEW times but that’s it.
    I think that may give you some insight as to why my 2 year old wants to assassinate me.
    Also, beside the whole ‘wanting to kill you’ thing, kids are pretty damn awesome. Almost as awesome as vampire squid. ALMOST.

  6. Alexis says:

    @Firefly. And it’s not just babies, kids as excuse lasts until they move out. Babies are also give you a really great excuse for being:
    a) unshowered
    b) having ginormous muffin tops
    c) not mowing your lawn for so long the neighbor wrote you a note
    d) surviving exclusively on takeout

    Go ahead and have the kid. Billions of people have managed to figure it out. How hard can it really be?

  7. Bill says:

    My favorite is the coat rack – cause you just throw the coat on top of them. I mean, hypothetically, obviously. I’m three and a half months in. I don’t think I’ve been this satisfied with anything I’ve done. I also haven’t had to do ANY DISHES. take out, baby, yeah! It’s an awesome decision. Of course I’d say that, cause I didn’t have to be pregnant. but still…

  8. Misfit Mommy says:

    Doorstop = acceptable. Stepstool = not acceptable.

  9. DawnA says:

    Good thing is for the first few months they stay where you put them. After that they start to wander – but a good tracking device would alleviate the whole “hell, the baby’s lost” problem.

  10. HYP says:

    I love this.
    Babies are also useful for cleaning floors once they crawl, you can just put a swiffer on them. They are way cheaper than Roombas.

  11. Jen says:

    Babies also make really good footballs when they are all swaddled up.

    Or so I have been told. 😉

  12. HeathRobots says:

    Perfect post! The new baby in my life would be an awesome focal point on the table in the foyer. And now I can’t stop picturing him as a coat rack. Are you sure it’s unacceptable? Cause if it’s just frowned upon, I wouldn’t mind trying it out.

  13. Alexandra says:

    Oh my gosh!!

    Remind me to call you to babysit.


  14. jillsmo says:

    My god, that first picture with the baby just lying there smiling absolutely KILLS me. SO AWESOME.

  15. Kelly says:

    Baby! TEAM BABY! Have a baby. Have several babies!

    They love Netflix.

  16. Patty says:

    I canny wait to use my child as a Roomba. For now, I must be content with her pooping, sleeping, eating and repeating. And I have never been more content in my life. For realz.

  17. Tzipporah says:

    Also, tie a ribbon to baby’s hand, and use it as a cat toy.

    Not that I’ve ever done that…

  18. Adrienne says:

    I’m not so sure about this. Babies are pretty good door stops when they’re new and they never go anywhere.

    Seriously, I DO remember looking at my first when we brought him home from the hospital and thinking, “Well, NOW what am I supposed to do with you?”

  19. Suniverse says:

    Babies also are excellent contraception.

    PS You are NEVER ready to have a baby. Even as you are expelling it.

  20. I’m dying at, “Jesus, is that your baby on the table?!” “It’s NEW! Thanks for noticing!”

    FWIW, I had the same fears. When I was pregnant, I was even known to ask my husband – out loud and everything – “What if it doesn’t like me?” I mean, I for serious worried about this. But “it” (she) is now almost 18 months old and she’s awesome (and she likes me!). I still don’t always know what to do with her all day, but I somehow figure it out as I go. Which is pretty much what I do when it comes to parenting in general. You’re never truly ready, but you adapt. And in the end it’s not nearly as scary as you thought it would be.

  21. Kelley says:

    This was hilarious!! I totally used my babies as doorstops. I had to keep putting them back there once they started crawling, so eventually had to give up that convenience. My most favorite use for the baby was the vase with the flowers thrown on top of it. You crack me up!

  22. Minka says:

    C’mon, like the god Nike has been known to say: Just do it! (having the baby, I mean. but also, I guess, you’d have to “do” the other “it” prior to having said baby…)

    Also — while I adore your blog, I have to disagree — 1, a baby ABSOLUTELY can be a coat rack. Coats are really just big blankets with pockets. Oh wait — then that would be a snuggie… in which case, back to my original statement — babies love coats! (or something like that!) just be wary of the suffocation risk. so only a few coats, probably. so more of a “decorative” coatrack, rather than functional.

    2 – a baby is TOTALLY a conversation piece! Haven’t you ever been to the upper east side of manhattan? why do you think all these anorexic/bulimic/rich/bored women bother to reproduce? (besides it giving them the excuse to hire a nanny which they will then treat as a multi-purpose semi-well-paid slave who has to take care of a lot more shit than just the baby while trying to harbor their contempt for their employer)

    3 – As for the gag gift… truthfully… I kinda think a baby is like the gag gift we give ourselves… it seems horrifying at first, and then we come to love it more than we could have EVER imagined (seriously. cue weepiness and violins) and it turns us into better people than we ever thought we were capable of being… (though it also sometimes turns us into the worst, most over-burdened, exhausted, out-of-control lunatics)… and though we’ll sometimes pretend to imagine what life might’ve been like if we’d never gotten this gift, we’ll never really want to think about it. Because it’s just too damn awesome.

    You will buy lots of chalk and draw your kid cartoons and he/she will laugh its little ass off, and that sound of laughter will be the greatest sound you ever heard.

  23. carrie says:

    umm….GAG GIFT! That was a stroke of genius, right there, my friend!

    I missed out on the whole blog name changing thing–awesome!

  24. […] Babies: As useful as IKEA furniture. […]

  25. Rubyspikes says:

    Shit, Kendall, I have GOT to stop reading your blog in bed. I laugh so much I shake the bed. One day Captain Snored-a-Lot to my right is actually gonna wake up from my riotous laughing. But then I’ll just hand him my iPhone, he’ll laugh, too, and it’ll be all good. Good luck with the baby-making!

  26. Yuliya says:

    Who are you hilarious human being and why have I never seen your blog? Thank God Vicky has rectified this situation…tee hee I said rectified.

  27. Screw babies… have pets if you have a brain and are responsible and plants if you at least know how to read a calendar (i.e. to remind yourself to water them).

    If my animals could stay still, I’d gladly use them as door stops, so I can’t see what the problem could possibly be with using a nearly motionless newborn as a door stop. It’s not like it’s going to kill them. Child and Family Services departments be damned!

    Those little jerks should earn their keep.

  28. Lisa says:

    Wow, between the post and the comments I’ve come to realise that babies are really useful!! I need to get me one of those…

  29. Sasha Spears says:

    It’s not like it’s going to kill them. Child and Family Services departments be damned! TEAM BABY!

  30. **lmao** The baby as a vase totally rocks, in fact I may just have to squeeze out another baby so I can do just that. My little ones are too big and non compliant for that to work now that they’re mobile.. **shakes fist at universe**

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  32. I’m not quite sure how to say this; you made it extremely easy for me!

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