So, Saturdayย is my five-year wedding anniversary. Which, in my opinion, is kind of a big deal. I’ve been married to myself for twenty-something years now, and I find the fact that Drew made it five pretty goddamn impressive.

You see, I’m kind of an asshole.

Don’t worry. I don’t think Drew’s noticed yet, which is strange since the signs of my asshole-ery pop up all the time.

Take, for example, the time our new couch came in, and the delivery guy left the couch tethered to a shipping crate in our garage. When I called Drew at work, he was all, “Great, I’ll help you move it when I get home.”

What would a normal person do? I couldn’t tell you, but I assume it’s something close to: wait for a helping hand. Me? I promptly hung up the phone to begin spending hours fighting with the shipping packaging and then pushing/slamming/almost breaking/pulling the new couch into place.

I was partly motivated by the idea of Drew coming home, sitting down to relax on our new awesome couch and being all “You risked your life to get this thing indoors?!? You’re like a mother fucking miracle wizard made of glitter.” But I think I mostly did it because I’m an asshole.

I’m not just helpful to the point of risking my own safety for needless accolade; I also have terrible, uncompromising taste in movies!

I know, right?

Not to mention the fact that I am easily emotionally manipulated by sad music and just about everything else (see: puppies, rainbows, babies, commercials with old people in them, and about 40 bazillion other things), and whenever I read an impractically romantic book (see: Twilight), it’s guaranteed to ruin Drew’s weekend.

Yup.

So, congratulations to Drew for surviving these and so many other personality quirks. (Note: “Personality quirks” is a term often used by assholes to describe or attempt to rationalize their stupid behavior.)

And to everyone who isn’t Drew: You guys are the real winners here.

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54 Responses to congratulations on not being married to me!

  1. Luda says:

    Drew is a lucky, lucky man.

  2. Handflapper says:

    I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I could give you a run for your money for Asshole of the Year. I wouldn’t even help move the couch in but would demand to be the first person to sit in it (this actually happened) and I once didn’t speak to my husband for a week over something he did in a dream.

  3. Alexandra says:

    Oh, you just never stop amazing me.

    The drawings, the sarcasm, dripping with all that makes me disrespectfully laough out loud.
    In commiseration and just plain OH YEAH.

    And, clearly, he is the winner.

  4. Handflapper says:

    PS Congratulations

  5. Skwishee says:

    I’m always surprised my husband puts up with me. I do things like ask him to go buy me a cake. Then I eat the cake. Then I get mad at him for buying me the cake because I probably shouldn’t have just eaten a whole cake. What the hell, dude?!

    Congratulations! May he put up with you for many many more years ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • bluzdude says:

      GAH! My gf does that to me about chocolate. Every night, it’s “Do you have any chocolate? Do you have any chocolate?”

      Then I buy her a bag of chocolate and she’s like, “Gah! I told you not to buy me chocolate or else I’ll eat it all. Now give me that…”

      #Can’tWin

  6. Ali says:

    I know. My husband puts up with gargantuan amounts of crap. I recognize this. But right now I’m still playing the “I pushed your 3 kids out of my nether-regions” card. I think that will last me a few more years.

  7. Kate Katje says:

    I LOVE YOU! I’ve been a stalker for some time and it’s time to tell ya I totally love your blog. Thank you!

  8. I’ll just shut up and appreciate the shit out of your blog.

  9. Oh, shit…I think I might be an asshole.

  10. This is basically my life. I constantly feel bad for my husband due to my asshole-ness. Hilariously, the exact same thing like your couch story happens to me constantly.

  11. Red says:

    Oh no! I have a quirky personality…and it sounds like that must be the same thing. Doggone it. I’m an asshole.

    And congratulations! Quirky is quirky. I’ll stand by that!

  12. Mayor Gia says:

    Hhahahaha that doesn’t make you an asshole, it makes you awesome. Happy anniversary!

  13. Britt says:

    You give hope to assholes everywhere that one day, someone will be patient and/or vapid enough to endure our assholery.

    Congratulations! You’re a fine piece of stubborn, irrational cake. (You thought I was going to say “ass” didn’t you?)

  14. Suniverse says:

    It’s a match made in heaven. [You and the couch.]

    Congrats!

  15. Janine Miller says:

    I love watching interactions between couples. In you case… well… it certainly puts a smile on my face. Drew is so lucky ๐Ÿ˜‰

  16. Chrissy says:

    Oh my GOD I could have written this post myself. Moving the couch? Been there. Lack of soul saving? Been there. Allergic to shitty movies? Oh so been there. I need to make my husband read this.

  17. Renea says:

    You should be able to find a copy of your marriage liscense at the county court house. Did you apply for a liscense at the time you were married? Was it filed after the marriage?

  18. Leigh says:

    Omg….. Are we twins? Maybe our husbands should start a support group…

  19. liz says:

    Wow, as several others have said, you sound just like me! haha love it.

  20. Jaime says:

    congrats on your anniversary!

  21. Heather says:

    This is so so funny. I am right there with you and your reading material. My poor husband……

  22. Bozo says:

    If you’re an asshole – you’re a very adorable one lol… congratulations to you both!

  23. jillsmo says:

    You’re the most awesome asshole EVER! Congratulations!!!!

  24. Avril says:

    That was kinda funny. Married is a huge adventure in our life.

  25. I pretty much only like movies where every dies or no one understands what’s going on so it’s possible that every died. My poor resigned husband. Happy anniversary to you and your poor resigned husband.

  26. Holly Folly says:

    I laughed SO HARD about the movie thing. I hate watching movies and it’s almost impossible for me to sit through one. Unless it’s a fantasy film. Then it doesn’t count. My husband on the other hand loves to watch movies. Specifically, Rambo and Death Wish. We stopped going to the video store because it was tearing our relationship apart.

  27. erica says:

    Perfect. Now I have something to say when Manfriend wants to watch another “Man Goes Into The Wild Alone To Get Stalked By Wolves and Has To Saw His Own Hand Off” movie. Nope, sorry, allergic, throat will close up. How about a rom com?

  28. Very funny!!

    Congratualtions on your wedding anniversary.

  29. Brien27 says:

    Congratulation on your anniversary.Your such a bless couple.Thanks for posting.

  30. Nicole says:

    Wait, I don’t understand… why isn’t he constantly agonizing about your soul and why didn’t he race home to move the sofa when it arrived??? I’m headed toward 13 years… G-d bless our husbands! Congratulations!!

  31. Clip Snark says:

    This is hilarious. I love your descriptions of the movies you like. ๐Ÿ™‚

  32. Lacey12 says:

    You make me laugh with your very creative creation, Congratulations! Happy anniversary :)…

  33. Being one of the winners, I have to say. I really do appreciate the shit out of you, and your blog!

    Happy 5. I made it to 7 before everything went to shit. I hope you break my record.

  34. I’m also allergic to movies that don’t interest me. Period pieces that don’t involve mass or serial murder causes toddler-like tantrums.

  35. Alexis says:

    I’m not an asshole I’m quirky and sassy and I like to read YA romance because it’s hip and my husband loves that I’m different and unpredictable and…..

    OK I’m an asshole too.

    Shit.

  36. Kat says:

    I’ve TOTALLY done the couch moving all by myself…up the stairs, breaking my freaking back and yes…received the same reaction. Love this!

  37. Maryam says:

    What a lovely creation, it’s really full of fun… Congratulations!

  38. Anastasia says:

    That’s hilarious! So glad I found your blog through Jenny’s. Post-divorce I’ve probably gotten a little bit too comfortable being “married to myself” and have turned from doormat to asshole. Oh well!

  39. Heidi19 says:

    Very funny! You’ve done a great job in this blog and i love the concept and idea that you used. Happy anniversary!!!

  40. Born25 says:

    This post is so amusing, funny and awesome! You are such a geek Kendall! Love those illustrations!

  41. DivinneGrace says:

    Congratulations to Drew! LOL…Anyway, I enjoy this post so much…

  42. Shirley Fai says:

    I am very interested in reading this because actually, I can relate to your situation here…I just love the drawings! LOL…

  43. I am very interested in reading this,Very funny! Youโ€™ve done a great job in this blog and i love the concept and idea that you used.

  44. It’s the Sunshine Award. Which was awarded to me and I would like to award it to you. Details on my post. Thnaks for the entertainment.

  45. My friend always says marriage is about how much shite one person can take from another. I am definitely the shite giver, my poor husband.

  46. Bon says:

    I would never have admitted it, but along you came and gave me the strength to say, “I too am an asshole.” Is there a support group?

  47. That is the first step in the 13 steps of recovery. No one knows what the other steps are, because us assholes just give up after the first step. The rest are….see I already don’t care.

    Congrats on the anniversary. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  48. Divine Grace says:

    I really enjoyed reading your post here and the infographics are awesome! LOL. Thanks for making up my day…

  49. haha Happy Anniversary! I recently stumbled upon your blog and can’t stop reading the posts! You’re cracking me up! Nice to meet ya! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  50. Jessa Kate says:

    This is really great, I love the funny thought and inforgraphic.. Happy Anniversary…

  51. joe from tampa says:

    bahahahahahaha

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