I’ve been driving back and forth between Orlando and Savannah so often these days that I’m starting to have nightmares about truck stops and their tastelessly flashy displays of beef jerky. And while some people might use the extra quiet time for self reflection or at least a nice audiobook, the four hour drive has proven to be a perfect breeding ground for confusion, bitterness and frustration for me.

I guess the upside is that I suddenly have a new appreciation for those characters in pop culture who are tragically doomed to travel forever. Like that weird dog-dragon hybrid Falcor thing in the Never Ending Story. Or, maybe more accurately in my case, the characters of The Oregon Trail. I mean, I’m not exactly going west, but I’m pretty sure we’re out of buffalo meat and I definitely typhoid–or allergies.

The downside is that, unlike the family in The Oregon Trail, I don’t travel with a shot gun, and the vehicular terrorists of the world have really started to get me down. I’m not talking about car bombers. I’m talking about these ass clowns:

Guy whose greatest joy is tailgating everyone–even if you’re the only other car on the road

Lady who is oblivious (or indifferent) to the truck tunnel of hell you are confined in

Man who does not like to be passed but is not interested in maintaining a high enough speed to stay in front of you…or maybe he just really misses being young enough to play leap frog without getting judge-y looks

It begins innocently enough with this:

Followed by this:

And then, it starts all over again:

I suppose my long drives haven’t left me completely heartless, though, because I have considered two scenarios in which I would be totally cool with the knowledge that these vehicular terrorists are still out in the world. And here they are (in no particular order):

Scenario 1

Scenario 2

Again, this all assumes that I do not have access to super-powered mutant bears, which I believe will probably become available after an apocalypse, likely one involving some kind of Gatorade flood where bears are suddenly extra-full of electrolytes and rage. Because if I had an army of bears at my disposal, I would just ride the bear around and I’m fairly certain no one would fuck with me. Gatorade-fortified, mutant bears definitely DO NOT negotiate with terrorists.

12 Responses to this, of course, assumes post-apocalyptic bears with mutant powers and a deep affection for me are NOT available

  1. Toni says:

    I have two words: CRUISE CONTROL!!! I have to drive an hour away for school twice a week and I get so sick of the people who always speed up and slow down. I don’t want to play leap frog! I just want to make it to school and back home without dying (or murdering someone).

  2. Haha – I don’t know why there are so many assholes that go slow but then take offense when someone passes them. AHHHH…
    Good thing I only have to commute once a week or else I’d get a little stabby way, way too often.

  3. I have to drive a 4-6 hour (depending on hell traffic) drive to my parents tomorrow. With out adult and just my kids. I hate traveling. Sometimes I wish I could ram the slow drivers like in bumper cars at the fair

  4. I have to travel at least 45 minutes (an hour in heavier traffic) to and from work everyday. I’m a road rage sufferer and not afraid to say so!
    I get so worked up that by the time I get to work I’m mentally exhausted! Then I still have to DEAL with the idiots at work to boot!
    I totally feel your pain!

  5. If I go to Wikipedia and look up “Road Rage: Early Symptoms,” I think your drawings will be there 🙂

  6. Jaime says:

    my bf has told me i’m not allowed to ever drive a tank for the high probability that I will end up ramming people off the road and driving over them….

    while that may be true….. I think I’d be doing the world justice ridding the world of these vehicular terrorists (LOVE that btw)

  7. I love that I can just look at the pictures and still laugh at the story…if we could travel with shotguns there would be a lot less drivers on the road to worry about. I have road rage driving to the store – down the road. Also I think my husband is the tailgater guy because you know if he gets far enough up your ass, you might go faster..

  8. If you and I were to ride together in a car, there’ll be no saving those asshole drivers.

  9. Jennifer says:

    These terrorists are everywhere. They must be stopped.

  10. Laura says:

    God, the leap frog thing drives me batty too!!! The last lady I played with would slow down when talking on her cell phone and then speed up when she wasn’t. We passed each other enough times for me to realize that pattern!!

  11. Suniverse says:

    I could not even handle that drive. Not even.

    I’m so loving on you, you know that, right?


  12. crayon says:

    I’ve always had this fantasy that the front of my car has a snowplow blade for shoving and ramming. Or the backseat contains a sack of large potatoes to fling at annoying drivers. I think the throwing of the potatoes and hearing the loud thunk would be cathartic and less likely to get me arrested than the snowplow blade. It’s a good thing I’m not left handed or I might have actually done this. I should probably join some kind of support group….

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