The Financial Times and other news outlets are reporting that the 7 billionth person will be born at the end of October. And save for a few discussions about overcrowding and the continuing swell of humankind, everyone seems pretty cool with this idea. And maybe I would be, too, except for this:

The 7 billionth person is scheduled to arrive on Halloween. HALLO-FUCKING-WEEN, PEOPLE!

Based on every Wes Craven/Michael Myers/Omen/”The Call is Coming from Inside the House”/”She’s been dead for 15 years” campfire story, Stephen King novel, urban legend and major-motion-slasher picture out there, such a monumental event occurring on such a stab-happy holiday is terrifying news, and I’m a little concerned that no one else has expressed even the slightest bit of interest in our 7 billionth neighbor’s spooky birthday.

I mean. Considering it will be born on Halloween, we can’t even assume this thing’s going to be fully human.

What if this is what comes out?

Or this?

Need a closer look?

For a community that’s so concerned with the arrival of zombies, I feel like we’ve taken our eyes off of a much more real and almost-fucking-here problem.

And let’s not waste our time worrying about overcrowding. This 7 billionth monster baby might dramatically reduce our population by laying waste to everything in its path. WITH ITS MIND.

As for the website asking “What would you like the 7 billionth person to know?” and welcoming the might-be demon to the world, you know what I want this baby to know? I’m trained in krav maga, and I sleep with a knife under my pillow. What I don’t want it to know? My home address.